peanutbutter!

be my witness?

2012-01-07T14:59:00.003+08:00

come here. I've got something to tell you! just to make myself feel better.

Push! My Resolution This Year

2012-01-06T23:28:00.002+08:00

I'm in the middle of my exams now, the new year hasn't yet begun for me. But despite the feeling of being not renewed with the coming of the new year, Alhamdulillah I've begin to feel the fight against old, damaging habits.

Maybe because I got tired of giving in and feeling the damage it brought, or maybe it's one of those UP moments you have, sudden surge of motivation that, quite unfortunately, lasts for so long. saying this I remember what Pn. Siti said to me as she was hearing me out on some issues that was bothering me, and it went something like this;

the more good you are doing, being, the more they come and pull you off track..

I say, on some many occasions after that, when I think of how horrible I was being (or thought of being), I remember her saying this. I would feel like I must have been doing something right for me to be courted away like that :)

I hope that the current impetus that is helping me through my exams will stay on until after. And through my holidays, I hope I find another impetus to push me through then too, renew it, upgrade it; my motivation.

Then there's the sense of spirituality. Maybe, as well, that I have been around God-fearing people more often than I had the past couple of years, that I see them being just that in their typical days, and feel so ashamed that I had no excuse not do the same, at my own effort. Another hypothesis to my growth (or regression?), the kind of people I've been around can shape me so much. I wonder so much if I have the capacity to grow on my own (especially when assertion has always been deficient on my part).

Now I really hope these perspectives last long enough to make me find a new Push!

Maturity. Approaching 20, and I still very much lack this. Relative to the greats of the past, conquering empires and leading nations. I, after two decades, have none to show. 20 years of preparation maybe? Well, it better be something good, right? I don't know. I still dwell on the past, wishing it was different, thinking I'd be greater if it were, but I'll never know now, and should, say you, make the best of right now.

So with that said, I hope I'll remember, when I feel all stupid again, for whatever reason, to just keep moving forward (Walt Disney).

Cheers to a new year (once exams are over!), and a new Push every day!

Love,

the right occupation

2011-12-10T22:50:00.001+08:00

I made countless stupid mistakes in my life, severity falling everywhere and anywhere on the spectrum. But I am glad to have been brave enough to continue making choices, and tonight, one just proved even more how much of a good decision I made in the first few weeks of my varsity life.

I didn't know back then, it was pretty foggy I guess, what I wanted out of it. I just knew it was good, it will be good, and it was darn obvious how much it could help with anyone's personal development, in the most wholistic sense any activity could ever provide.

Now I don't even dare set limits to what it can offer, because it has surpassed my expectations by many folds over. I learned what I lacked, in many senses. I learned with the experiences that it offers, especially when it comes to dealing with personal barriers that people tend to set, but not actually knowing how to manage them.

It's a very "in the clouds" kind of insight, this one, so I shall not go into the works of my discovery. But only when I'm doing this, I am allowed to freely experiment, knowing that everyone else involved understands, subliminally, what I'm doing. Because they showed me they trusted me, and had the same feelings I had hesitated to articulate. Which makes me appreciate them more than I ever had, enjoying their presence, and sincerity. And the fact that we share the principle of the importance of looking at the bigger picture.

So now, what I feel like doing, is just to express my love for this particular occupation I chose to stick with from day 1, and tonight, I renew my vows of loyalty and commitment, promising my level best.

I love the people I met and created bonds with, and how raw we allowed ourselves to be with each other, and continue to be, recruiting more like-minded young-lings to continue our tradition.

There, my attachment to the varsity debate club. Raw and naked to you.

With my OT glasses on, I understand now how much impact social participation can give to any single person. I would definitely not want this right to be deprived, when it can most definitely be avoided.

varsity

2011-12-04T09:38:00.001+08:00

i like our varsity song, it makes me want to have a better reason to study and do well. i guess that's the purpose of it's existence and our singing it with our hearts. sappy, i know, but for once someone didn't make the sematkan semangat dalam jiwa (is that even right) thing so tacky and tak bersemangat (thanks to these two fellas; composer Nazri Ahmad and songwriter Muhammad Salleh).

"bangun, berbakti, membina.."

off to structure a plan! probably will make myself listen to it when i'm feeling lazy

sweettooth

2011-11-11T10:18:00.001+08:00

I made a horrible block of cake yesterday. I'm very unhappy about it. It's too oily (I guess their one stick of butter is a small stick of butter compared to mine) and it even looks like it's been around for a year. I don't like caramel either. the cake's too sweet for my liking. i should've just gone with peanutbutter. and did the Thing with the flour.

through that particular occupation, i discovered, or rather, confirmed what mum and dad has been telling me all along. i'm such a mess in everything i do.

*grr*

Next thing to bake, something with peanutbutter in it. cake, brownie, cookie, or something totally un-thought of? and i won't make a mess.

wishlist!

2011-10-23T19:33:00.000+08:00

Attn!

I know it's a lil too soon to make a wishlist for my birthday, and even Christmas comes sooner, but never mind and just excuse me for it, because it's the first time I'm making one and is actually convinced that people might actually get me these stuff XD it'll just give you more time to go out looking for them. Plus, I'll be hitting the big 20, two decades! A reflection on the benefits (and the probably more obviously seen harms) of my existence shall be examined when I do turn 20.

(in no particular order)

belt(s); any colour, any forms, you can tease me with a totally crazy one, but it'll probably still be useful at a costume party or something XD i desperately need one, totally destroyed the last one (and only one) I owned (DON'T you dare ask me how).
~~a pair of earrings. because i currently have ONE earring. keep losing one side, so i haven't got a pair of earrings. uhuh. yeah.~~ THANKS AYIE! <3
sharpies! you could never go wrong with these. you could get me the whole set of colours (i haven't got the pastel version, nor the one with two tips (pink!)) you can get me a single sharpie, i don't mind. any colour will do! it's time for the next generation of sharpies to come into my possession XD

in that case, if sharpies are just too impossible to get, i can do with any kind of stationery at all; notebooks, pen/cils, highlighters, colour pencils, crayons, paints, those rings that you use to compile your lecture notes, etc etc etc

bookstands. solids ones.
pin tudung. i keep losing them! ala, you know the lil ones that you get at 4-5 for RM10 or something. nothing fancy, or danggly, or way too bulbous. Very much appreciated.
~~broom. mine is disintegrating, making my RM5 worthless.~~
~~a special kind of phone cover, you know the ones that cover the phone screen and you'd have to flip it open to use your phone kind. my phone needs a more advanced level of protection from it's owner.~~ (bought one for myself)
money. any REASONABLE amount will do. you could never go wrong here either. i'll either buy something with it, or being the fickle-minded person i usually am, it would most probably go into my ASB.
artwork of your own production. im sure it will give me that AWWHH feelng XD could be a drawing/painting/poem/letter/newpaper article (fuyyoohh) etc etc etc
*update* charm bracelets (to feed my inner girliness)

My wishlist sounds more like a shopping list, probably because I want to make it seem like there isn't any excuses for people not to get me stuff for my birthday because

they don't know what i want, hence exist a wishlist to tell them what i want
i'd probably want stuff that are way too expensive even to get for themselves, hence a list of gentle-on-the-wallet stuff.

LOL. Informed choice, people, like how the government is campaigning No To Smoking but not in reality forcing you to not smoke, I'm campaigning for Buy-Item(s!)-on-Fuddy's-Wishlist. Here's what's gonna happen if my campaign works on you;

you'll buy me stuff I want = i.e. material representation of some sort of appreciation of my existence (regardless of me deserving it or not, LOL) -> make me feel appreciated -> a happy me

bigger picture of how it relates back to you; a happy me -> a happy someone-else-other-than-yourself -> a happy you (because you contributed to a happy someone else!)

ridiculous, i know! but concluding to this kind of logic was pretty entertaining-> is therapeutic. LOL!

hopefully not always this silly,
F. A.

metaphor

2011-10-15T09:08:00.001+08:00

The gigantor mountains that we live on.

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happy birthday!

2011-10-15T09:06:00.001+08:00

(breakfast courtesy of Katie's Culinary Experience, sponsored by Daddy)

There are many things she's done done for the five of us (dad included) that we could not possible compensate her equally. There are only promises of what little we can do.

Then there's the fact that we would have our times acting out, inevitable part of growing up, but painful when we realize how much it affected her. When we realize she thinks more for us than even ourselves, and we take all that for granted all too often.

But it's on days like today that we come back down to earth from wherever our lives took us (even if it's geographically only 20min away), and celebrate her being, expressing our appreciation that equates to the gigantor mountains that we live on. We hope today will be the start of us more loving her as we should (because it could never be enough), and that she'd only continue unconditionally giving out hers <3

We hope you grant us forgiveness, for the past and unintended future, and continue being the backbone, the support that we could never do without. We pray that GOD gives you the best of things to have in life and after, and that we be good kids to you only because you deserve that.

Happy Birthday, Mummy <3

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rough week

2011-10-07T20:02:00.000+08:00

Got embarrassed in the Giant Hall for taking a lil snooze (seriously who wouldn't, but apparently only I got caught).
Tough assignment. Good thing it was group work. Bad thing was lack of transporting facilities. And rain. Constant rain. *sniff sniff hatchooh*
More assignments, but they're the "i-know-i-need-to-know-these" kind. None of those pointless ones I used to have.
Terrible rumour goin around. We might need to re-take Pengurusan Masa & Pengurusan Emosi? That's what I heard. It was bad enough we had to take it, now we might need to do it over? They jolly well better not make us. (*)
Feel some need for a movie. At the cinemas. And hot crunchy A&W waffles and ice-cream and rootbeer. I'm free sunday, anyone? (no-one) nevermind.
Washing machine third floor. Weekly weather forecast; sunny sunny day for a couple of hours when you're in your room, rains the minute you need to leave for class.
I'm eating rice for lunch everyday. A lil change would be nice. But alas, it's not like I'm gonna die without variety. Just gets a lil less something to look forward to at lunch time. :/
Only classes worth going are my OT classes. Common classes are frightening.

The uncertainty of next week being any better kills me. I think my background of "tak pernah rasa susah" (well at least I think most would agree) is making me feel that things are too much to handle (maybe not too much, just a lot). And maybe I don't need the hot waffles and ice-cream break. Maybe. It might break the momentum (what momentum?! IF it were there in the first place).

It would be nice for people to stop by and say hi how was your day? (asking how's life is a totally different thing. being more specific makes a hellotta difference, well sometimes. But I'd rather tell you my day instead of telling you the SoML) I miss that. I think it might be that I've lost that habit of asking, karma's just giving it back straight to my face.

sophomore! (first quarter)

2011-09-29T17:30:00.001+08:00

One thing great about this semester is how OT is piecing together much better in my head. Maybe because we've started on the technical stuff. And the picture that I and my friends see is as interesting as we hoped. Every so often in an OT lecture, generations of seniors are mentioned as they became the pioneers of that certain realm we are learning that day, from the first generation of OTs from UKM, to our very own 4th years as their theses were described to us. Inspiring, motivating, and (especially) making me proud to be part of a large group of people who are contributing so much to expand the field in the country.

To be honest, I've already found certain realms in the career I prefer Not to delve into.. I suppose for that I have the extra task of mentally preparing myself to face them (e.g. try being less judgmental towards certain groups [erk, I'm mean!]), I hope I don't hinder myself from discovering the path that was meant for me.

On the ground level itself, I find classes getting more challenging, but there is that sense of "yes I can actually get this chapter, IF i get home and read it over". But I've got issues (yes, yes I do). I'm still debating, but I'm not progressing, a problem that I'm ashamed to have, but I have to admit to realize I need to work on it, I do not intend to give debating up, it's the only other thing I do that is not studying, I envy people with an extensive curricular background, and I have nothing. I'm behind my revisions too, something I intend to not continue (right after this post?) and I've got a lot to work on besides my lectures. I despise certain lectures that I'm having now, simply because I just can't follow the entire time (and that also means extra work after lecture). I like it when the lecturer;

speaks clearly (and preferably English. but English slides with a Malay lecture is tolerable)
does NOT spoonfeed; eg; always asking WHY, giving simple exercises in class. that doesn't make me too dependent on notes and recorded lectures. spoonfeeding makes me feel that i could just regurgitate. and at the end of the exams, scare me for feeling like i have not studied the course O_O
gives a bigger picture before beginning the lecture. then i could just piece the lecture together in parts. WAY easier to understand what's goin on.
reviews last class. totally need it. this even raised certain questions that the class didn't think of during the last lecture, totally effective in connecting one lecture to the other.

some classes are mixes of both good and evil, while others are just plain evil (LOL). There is one particular lecturer I'm most comfortable with, and so he deserves to join the ranks of my greatest teachers of all time (with Ust. Ali, etc etc). And the fact that he is also one of the major forces shaping my OT perception gives him an added importance. I'm greatly in debt!

But I hope I'll never forget, the two people that I also owe more than I can afford, besides mum and dad, are aunty Dena and Nasri.

I owe many people many promises. Gotta get a move on keeping them!

it is never that easy

2011-09-26T22:22:00.002+08:00

socializing is the one thing that, if not done properly, can drive people crazy. whether you're overly sociable, or just couldn't get yourself to trust anyone to be nice to, it gives the same kind of feeling. mind-reading would be the best superpower to ask for in these situations.

one can never be too cautious about who to pour oneself out to. he'll only end up exploding from the inside like mentos-coke experiment. but how do you find these people? are they everywhere, or are they hidden everywhere? because many people can offer you their ears, but there is still room for uncertainty that they will offer you genuine concern at the side. i've got a lot of amazing friends, in uni, college and school. but i find it strange that awkward moments can still exist between us. either that, or the guilt of having to take so much time off their busy lives (eg; medics and friends who are studying abroad), or occupied with their own issues, when they are the best people i could think of.

something else about making, and keeping, friends is having something special about you, or keeping up with how much growing we're doing together. stagnation leaves you behind the crowd that you initially got yourself accepted into. seriously, having something to show means you have something to offer, hence being able to trade That with acceptance. i'm sure it's a mutual inherent law that applies to every individual member. convincing oneself of having something special is a start, working on that or using it for something should be the next.

with this realization, i intend to forge better relations with my friends. no more awkwardness! hopefully. and better distinguish the times that i really need to talk and the times that i'm just being silly.

bird's eye-view

2011-09-25T21:57:00.001+08:00

Coming back from VC cup 2011, i realized i had more work to do than i imagined. these bunch of kids are a spirited one, and i hope they could remain this spirited long enough. I'm sure it wasn't easy to get them to be this fiery, Patricia and gang had gone through alot for just that. I feel the weight to help now, and be good enough to help them too.

this need to go out and work emanated to other activities that i devote my life to. i have to remember all those sacred promises and reasons why i am here where i am (Nasri..). a whole year passed without achieving as satisfying an achievement than i could have with that extra effort that i should have afforded to put in. hopefully i remember to do it now. all the challenges have been presented now that school has started, i should remember to give more than what i gave last year. *sees sun rising (LOL)*

i shall be good to my juniors; debaters as well as my own coursemates, and shall be more of help to my peers who so inspiringly worked real hard all these while. other personal goals are also being set in my head, and i hope i won't lose track of them. i barely have any excuse to, i do not want to stagnate longer than i'm suppose to.

p/s; making new friends with the juniors was the one of the greatest things that i went through. but i also experienced receiving my first, unexpected news of a (sad) death of a friend. regardless of whether i knew him well, he was someone i'd enjoy the company of very much. he was funny and nice, but i didn't see what was underneath. it did not have to happen the way it did, and if only things had turned out differently, i would have been more than willing to offer him my concern. but now it's too late. all i (and you) can do now is pray for him to have a good afterlife. RIP, CMB :'C

moved in!

2011-09-11T22:00:00.004+08:00

Happy about;

Being on the Ground floor (NOT the first floor, mum and granddad corrected me on two separate occasions).
Having it rather spacious, larger than I thought it was.
NEW FURNITURE! desk, cupboard, shelf, bed AND MATTRESS! plastic pun tak cabut lagi.
Cool weather. (so far....)
NOT gonna be disturbed by excited football fans at the canteen while I'm trying to sleep >:DD
all the hooks that are at the right places! just enough to hang my stuff without fishing out my own hooks ;)
Being closer to the bust stop (OH YEAH!)
Less people to share the bathroom with. Although, that has yet to be proven an as good a thing as I hope it to be.
Large empty walls that make me feel like an artist. No lah I won't paint it (I'll try to refrain myself), I'll be good and just stick things to the wall. There's a handprint that I'm already itching to cover.
the cabinet ada lockable drawer XD

Opposed to the realities of;

HORRIBIBBLE TOILETS :'CCC
deprived rights to a nice view out the window (volley court)
deprived rights to OPEN the window (grilled and wired to make it inaccessible to even be open)
I haven't even got curtains. (that's three dreaded realities about JUST the windows).
I don't have a drawer under the desk, can't hide my mess :(
~~Heard rumors about ground floor being mosquito-haven O_O~~ (but i'm not that worried, they hate my blood (LOL))
Not being able to shade my clothes from the rain like I used to :(

observations from day 1 in my new room! I'm now officially a second year student. a senior, a sophomore. WEE! I mean, ehem, *straight face* I am filled with joyous emotions.

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touched by

2011-09-07T21:56:00.000+08:00

..a simple dua.

O Allah; Enlighten what is dark in me, Strengthen
what is weak in me, Mend what is broken in me, Bind what is bruised in me, Heal what is sick in me, Straighten what is crooked in me, and Revive whatever Peace and Love has died in me.

one of my juniors posted this dua on her facebook status thing. i feel like this dua has been customized to be mine.

the Home Project

2011-08-14T08:50:00.000+08:00

This week's project is to clear away stuff infront of the house entrance, goodbye dusty junk, hello clear, empty floor!

Each week our house transforms more into a home. It's been too long that we live in a storage unit. But that's all going to change! My adik-adik will finally start living at home; having meals at the dining table, make a mess at their own little space, my sister to have enough room for her clothes, and myself for my books..

We've painted some of the walls yesterday, and cleared out much of the dusty old junk that's been around since we moved in (approx. 13 years ago- Mummy carrying Nazim lagi). Dad's books and documents (a small fraction of that is) have been arranged in one spot, and the other portions have been scheduled for attack some time before I move back to college. The mess has to go.

The progress left so much more room to breathe! Huge sighs of relief make it the reason I'd want this project to meet completion by the time I go back, so that when I'm home for the weekends, I'll be really at home.

TASK AT HAND; record measurements of potential spaces to occupy (new?) functional furniture with, identify what sort of furniture that is.

NEXT PROJECT; clear old cabinet off stuff, and boxes next to entrance door.

expensive

2011-08-09T15:12:00.001+08:00

I've made many expensive mistakes, since forever. I'm just lucky enough to have enough to pay up. But it's NOT a practice I should preserve.

It's not like I want to, but they still happen. Now I'm wondering what is it that makes these things repeat itself. Lack of what? or was it just fated to happen no matter how careful I had been (doubt that though).

1.5k, 800, an entire cheque book, and just yesterday about 200 bucks. okay they wouldn't have happen if i were more careful.

So now I be more careful? How will I know I am? the only indications are near-misses or an actual accident again. Too costly to find out.

Maybe it's in how my bird's eye view should be. That should help in more awareness to the surroundings, so that I don't forget details too often, and would be able to be more careful in judgments, decisions and my next moves. It sounds logical and probably will work in most circumstances, now it's just getting those sky high bird vision.

Im at wits end. Maybe i'll just start by trying to remember to know where I am and what is around me. ugh, I'm forgetful too. This isn't gonna be easy now will it -_-

p/s; as off yesterday, I hate manual cars even more. a very immature reason, yet is still my stance, because i can't seem to ever drive them well enough to make KL roads safe. i don't see their purpose on the road when there's the greatest innovation to the auto world; auto cars.

if..

2011-08-05T15:28:00.000+08:00

ingrid michalelson, Sort Of

ingrid michaelson sort of mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

a new brick wall

2011-08-05T12:20:00.000+08:00

Horrid! it's only noon and i've already labelled my day. positive side says, good that it's only noon, i've still got enough hours to make it better.

I have another brick wall to break now. the feeling i told you in the last post? that's the brick wall. the bricks are probably the little things I have to do, and knocking those bricks means getting those little things done. and when the wall is totally broken, is when all those things are done, i feel that self-satisfaction for achieving whatever it is im supposed to, and feel my lungs free from that invisible squeeze again.

now, i need a dose of Glee.

lemonade is not my thing

2011-08-04T20:33:00.000+08:00

*at this point, my life has changed enough to be unrelated to the past posts.*

I guess I've always gotten things easy. I work hard, I get what I want, or at least something just enough to be content with. And I thought that was hard, but didn't realize that at least I get what I hoped for at the end.

But when things go so wrong, so friggin wrong, there is no way it can get better anytime soon, and if it will, it can only happen in the next 10 years at least, what do you do? How do you cope with that? Living with whatever you got is fine, but when there are more sucky stuff to live with? This is when reality slaps you in the face, and you can't slap it back.

The worst part is that feeling of some force squeezing your heart and your lungs so tight you can't breathe, and you start crying. And there is no instant antidote. Pretty scary right.

As a Muslim, I am trying. How hard, I can't put value to that. It sorta feels like learning to handle something that you'd rather not. I hate manual cars. Loathe them, entirely. But a manual car is all I got. Therefore, as horrible the experience is, I have to do it. So as excruciating as this experience gets, I have to go through it, and force my self to get over it.

I just hope I don't take too long doing it. That squeezing feeling is terrible.

things to do

2011-05-02T21:43:00.000+08:00

there are many many things to do these 'holidays' and hopefully i'll make the most of them all, not just taking them as 'tasks-that-don't-count-much'.

first thing that i had to focus on when 'holidays' started was the annual OT dinner. my tasks were to perform (as part of the first years) and to emcee (the fourth and last event this semester!). performing was fun doing because i was part of a fun bunch of yahoos (i mean that as a good thing here). and emcee-ing.. well, it wasnt that much fun during rehearsals.

but the real thing was fun. maybe because i knew what jokes to make since i knew the audience personally, sorta. better than all the other events where i had no idea who i was talking to, and if i did, that meant censoring some of my honest thoughts on things that concerned them ;) but our OT dinner was the fun-nest MCing job i've done. that is a fact. i had calm and cool co-ordinators, who had prepared for the worst, which was lacking in all the other events. they were themselves easy to work with, which is good to know in my own fellow future OTs.

i had fun with the guests, and got to know them much better too. the previously thought sane seniors were, well, crazy. and the once-perceived crazy ones? they'r actually crazier. though i think one senior doesnt like me very much, even if i myself think she's quite awesome. oh well, can't please everyone.

i had fun with my own classmates. practicing and performing, and a new habit i developed, cam-whoring. :| yea, it was like a major bonding session with the OT clan. :D

next up is our HC project. it got rocky last week when organization was disrupted by big big bumps in the road. more like potholes. well anyway, the team this week has got together in better shape, like a 4wd to cross the potholes. lol. tomorrow determines whether our efforts were worth it or a bust. but there's always plan B. but plan B means more paperwork :S anyway, worries of HC should end after--- ok not this sunday (darn paperwork!) but soon after i hope. then its all work at TLC!

while at TLC (Nasri's school) i intend to look at things differently than what i saw last time i was there. to see if my first year made enough impact to change my eyes. i think i need to do a little studying.

well, major projects aside, many minor ones count too, as much as the major ones. our OT assignment these holidays; to learn 2 new skills that can be therapeutic, and teach the class when school starts in september. hopefully i'll remember to do it. along with countless other things my eager brain wants me to do.

but another important thing i must do soon is to recap what my first year in uni was like. and the big question at the end, did i make the most out of it? spending a whole year without getting anything at the end is a total waste, especially when you only realize it when the year is done. one year in OT school over, my base should be set already, whether it is or not, that will be the aim of the evaluation.

whatever it is, thoughts and prayers to smoothness of life are always welcomed!

Fuddy A.

a real exam paper

2011-04-23T09:51:00.000+08:00

yes, 'tis the season to be studying. and spitting out facts on paper.

but yesterday's paper was.. interesting. a two-and-a-half hour paper, 4 20-mark questions and 2 10-mark ones. sure my lecturers (there's two for this subject) did give out hints on the questions, as do most other lecturers did, but even their hints made it even difficult to study for it.

first problem i encountered, these lecturers weren't the most organized people to listen to. what one said in class don't necessarily appear on the slides in order, or even worse, at all. sure this shouldn't be something i should be complaining about- my duty to pay attention in class and get the flow of their lectures. but being the good student that i am, i was only aware of what's going on for only 30% of all the lectures. *this should be looked into before i get to the next semester, assuming i do get to the next semester at all--different post!*

this led to the challenge of having to decode their lecture notes. oh hell.. i took the risk of only studying hints they gave (berani mati style, as my roommate calls it, and the risk paid of in the end, read on) because it was going to take forever to understand and look for extra details online and in the textbook (which i only got after all the lectures were over -_-) AND considering the fact that the internet is virtually inaccessible for God knows what reasons, even for 'lighter' sites it didn't load very fast. everything WILL go wrong at the times you need things to be right MOST. in addition to having friends kept coming over asking me what the hell do the lecturer meant in their hints, i was struggling to figure it out too!

so i just winged it. i read and read- trying to imagine what sort of questions my lecturers were going to ask. out of all 6 questions? only one of my guesses came true. probably only because there weren't really other ways to approach the idea. BUT even that question had a small unexpected twist that, thankfully, i was half-prepared for (better than not prepared for at all) and had to do a little bit of imagining and brainwork for the other half.

that's what i found myself doing for the 4 20mark questions. imagination and brainwork. sure, i studied the right things, but what was asked for of me was to show that i can use what i studied. i know for a fact i searched high and low for facts relevant to the topics, but that wasn't what the question wanted, not exactly at least. those kinda questions didn't appear in ANY of the other papers that i had. that's why it was the most interesting paper this year.

one required me to think like an OT. thankful enough, i can use what i learned from aunty Dena and Cody and Sara at TLC to answer that one, i just had to imagine what they would do in situations as the question wanted. i had to give 5 methods! tough, but i personally, i think my methods were all valid. but trouble is, i'm not the one marking my paper! BismiLLAHi tawakkaltu 'alaLLAH.

there was one question even tougher than that one even, because i could only think of an answer worth 5 marks (maximum!) for a 20-mark question. so instead, i just went about the things that could improve the problems as well, just to add a chain of logic. there's no fun reading a whole passage about problems, with no solutions, right? everybody likes a happy ending, even if the question asked for ONLY the problem. in that itself was difficult, because the scenario they gave already stated the problem in one word. depression. the main problem. that got me depressed too, for awhile. my answer for that wasn't well written. hopefully the other questions will help pull my grade up, because i think the rest were all much better written than this.

all in all, i see my grade for this paper already. it's only an instinctive prediction that has more chances of being wrong. let's leave it all up to Him now.
and i am quite satisfied, even with all the imperfections in my answers that only now do i realize. but it was perfect to me then and i had given my all.

4 down, 2 fact-spitting papers to go.

Fuddy Amir.

when you say Tawakkal.

2011-04-13T19:29:00.000+08:00

although the emotional intensity has reduced since it began firing the neurons in my (emotion-parts of the brain, like the amygdala?) an hour ago.
what toned it down, i have no clue which; the time, or the conclusion i made to pull myself back to earth.

leave all to God to decide how things will turn out. we can only ask so much.

based on the way i did, it wasn't worth much as i had asked Him to make it. conclusion? maybe that reflected something i hadn't realized while preparing for it. let it be a lesson learned before my other papers of equal crucial(ness?). only He knows why He allowed for things to happen the way it did, or rather, not allowing it to happen.

small details, and a whole big chunk of the pizza. personally, logically and rationally, i missed it. i waited for it, trusted that He'll let me remember what were the ingredients of that pizza. but it didnt come. one detail came but it didnt look like the answer, my brain dismissed it. frustration scale? 10.

don't blame the One Who knows what's best. i trust that He would never purposely want bad things to happen if there were no good out of it happening.
by saying that, now only do i realized that that is what Bismillahi Tawakkaltu 'AlaLLAH really means. you can't Trust Him for giving you what you want, when you don't know if it's best for you. it only means you trust Him for giving what's best for you even when you don't see the goodness behind it.

i only see, even at this moment now, that good grades are best for me all the way. good grades can get me a good job, or get my parents happy, but cliche as it is, and we all know that, good grades aren't everything. but they are something. but because they're not everything, face it, something else is on it's way. you just play your part to deserve it (in a "padan muka!" way or "good job-pats on the shoulder" way).

ask for what's best for you.

leave it to Him. leave it to Him. leave it to Him. and don't you slack.

i hope i remember to do this all the way. as in, till i die.

Jalan Genting Kelang

2011-04-08T10:53:00.000+08:00

Before you start reading this, let me warn you, you won't benefit from this post in any intellectual, physical, financial or whatever else possible ways. Just to save your time.

As we were driving down (town with the girl I love.. ..no I'm not singing lah) Jalan Genting Kelang, I noticed several changes have been made, or are being made.

Firstly, I saw that the school building in Wardieburn camp had been freshly painted (with liveli-er colors than the previous boring 'ol colors) and that after all these years (2 years perhaps? fine, not that many years), somebody finally did something about the burnt roof and top floor of the school building. How this affects me? I feel great that the kids (and teachers) can do more exercise to climb up to the top floor for classes now. They'll be healthier :D

Then I saw that there was a shop lot next to the old post office that had a face with his mouth open, on the entire facade of the shop. Cool. I wonder what kind of shop it actually is, because there wasn't any windows and it was closed and it hadn't put up any signboards or anything. I just think this is cool.

I noticed that the road was finally ready and felt fresh and smooth to drive on. Although this may have been the situation for a few months now, it just occurred to me. But mum still hates the road. Too many cars.

Maybe dad knows this already because he has probably drove down this stretch like a gazillion times per month, but the so-thought-permanent Thai fair next to Kenny Roger's is no more. A big sign for a proposal of a complex stood there. Sighs. No more pulut mangga.

Even Galleria was seen to be undergoing reconstructions. There were actually people there. And not just guards to keep away drug addicts or the homeless. The men were putting up the blue plastic covers and all. So yes, hopefully they'll fix the old place and we'll have a movie theater to go to again. For me, within (a looong) walking distance :)

Jalan Genting Kelang is an old road, which I've travelled up and down throughout my young life (ceh). I guess why I feel a little more intensely about activities on both sides of this road is because of just that. Galleria reminds me of the time dad took us to watch Anastasia (yes, that long ago) at the cinemas. And we use to hang at the Sunflower, the old cake house whose specialty is their layer cake. Now, it's a store that sells lights. And most of all, Tawakal. I spent a lot of time at the old building. I loved the smell of the small lifts, the Goodday chocolate milk I used to have at the Cafeteria (in college I discovered that TARC students love that milk so much), or walking over to Haslam, the doctors' hangout.

To witness the changes that this road goes through, is like growing up with the road.

(Yes, unimportant, but relieved to let it out.)

disorganized thoughts and self criticism

2011-04-02T23:35:00.000+08:00

argh. im soo not cured from this disease yet. i feel like i dont even try, but what's the thing that's making me feel so numb? exams are next week. yet i havent been able to put myself in that right state of mind.

work, kakak, work!

this is only the first year. when i registered the subjects for the 2nd year, they all sound so challenging. and when i get there, im sure to feel that i shouldve put a lil more effort in these 'simple' subjects. well too bad, i know it but i cant apply it.

thinking of asking dad for a lot of things. also thinking whether i should do that or not. those things are improtant to me. yet they may not be so important as they seem to me.

like, say, getting broadband to save time off waiting for the stupid connection to come through in college, and also which is non existent on campus. its stupid that they paste wifi zone everywhere, yet when u start loading something, it'll take forever.

but the good thing is, i got off my addiction for fb games because of it.

bad thing is, i binge on internet use when i come home, and totally slack off. thats bad, it forces me to restart getting my momentum going. and that takes a while. i cant afford losing time when exams are so soon!

money. because of it, i lost weight (but dad still thinks im fat. nvm, something is better than nothing). because of it, i get to eat watermelons. because of it, i satsfy my needs, and most unimportantly, my wants. money; im saving up for alot of things! debts and (what i convinced myself to be) necessary items i should have to use by the time next semester starts.

Na Nai also suggested scholarships. i think i have a shot at getting one. i can see myself in an interview. but cant really expect the interviewer respond the way i imagined, can i. LOL.

overall about my first year? i've been thinking of summing it up, since im almost done with it. i feel it important i do this, i dont want to forget how it feels like to be a freshman. because i forget. i've forgotten how it feels like to be in school, comfort zone in any aspect. as i progressed, felt differently to life in college, but i forgot that too, well semi at least, there are a few reminders in uni that brings me back to college, especially where uni lacks behind what college had. i feel something missing in the big picture. that's how uni reminds me of what college was like.

tomorrow. i will be more organized. i dont need to waste any more seconds enjoying the internet. because its not going anywhere, time is. remind me! of what's improtant for me to get done, to see hear feel think about. everything.

yes, tomorrow. im procrastinating being good to tomorrow. its not that bad u know, because tomorrow's just 30mins away. LOL.

what Ar-Razi said

2011-03-30T09:32:00.000+08:00

Ebu Bekir Razi, one of the great Muslim Turkish scholars, who lived between 834-932, in his work on the curing of melancholic patients tells us the following: "… melancholic patient must be cured through some sort of pre-occupation… melancholic patient should pursue a joyful hobby like hunting or fishing. He should get to know different kind of games. He should meet people whose character, behavior and morals he likes; and should listen to songs which are sang by beautiful voices."

what does this imply?

i like where i am. so "obscene expression"

2011-03-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

as much as you try, social stigma can still break you once in awhile. that concept of tiers; with higher classes and the inevitable lower ones that people might classify you in does pose some sort of psychological effect to your functioning. sometimes.

first class or not, where you stand in life should be where you want to be, and not where others say you should be. but sadly, societal perception does influence the flow of interaction of the so-called classes. picture this; the situation of the PWDs in the country. yes, govt has came up with laws and guidelines that exercises the rights of this group of people to maximum participation in society. yet all in vain, with the obvious absence of enforcements. why?
societal perception. when able-bodied people (majority) do not think that PWDs are capable and deserving of social participation, they don't make way for changes to the environment to facilitate this participation. and when i say able-bodied people, this especially include service-providers. from the front-liners straight up to the top (yes, harsh, but there is a logic to it; consider the BODs having the concern for extending their services to PWDs, they would initiate necessary changes in the organization to address their concern, and next, the trickle-down effect). example? how disable UNfriendly the Monorail service is (no lifts, tooooo many staircases, not even assistance from the operator- which is an added de-value to my perception of this company). i'm sure it would be more believable if these experiences came from a real PWD. visit Mr. Peter Tan's blog. he'll have all the experiences to convince you that enforcement is not just lacking, but absent altogether.

why i ended up writing on this was a more personal reason rather than my frustrations towards the state of PWDs. but nonetheless it was therapeutic to let it all out. i just need to know, be reaffirmed by another soul, that i am not the only one who feels de-classed. not because i want to be perceived as being first class, but because i know that there is no class. just difference. i like where i am, and nothing should change that, not even what the entire world says.

go back. please..

2011-03-06T21:32:00.000+08:00

of all the crazy things i did last week (feb 28th-march 5th), the most heart-wrenching one was visiting the Cheshire Home in Selayang. hidden behind a wet market, oddly located i should say, is a 3-acre plot of land with dorms and other facilities the Cheshire Home built and provided for their 59 residents.

there were many kinds of disabilities seen there, in terms of physical of course, and their cognitive abilities. some are just fine in the matter of thinking and higher cognition- they were able to recall dates and calculate approximately when certain events happen in the past. some spoke fluent chinese (all dialects!) and even picked up tamil while residing the home. on the other hand, some were moderately able to focus on a conversation, while others jump to whatever random things that cross their minds. it's interesting to see them responding to the same question at two different times (within a short span of time) with two different answers.

but from one particular resident, that i found i was most attached to, was a bed ridden lady, in her forties, who had thought of things unrelated to her in anyway, but can't even remember when she broke her arm (it was three weeks ago) or how many siblings came to visit her just the day before.

she told me, she was sad to know that people throw their babies away (as in baby dumping) in drains and trashcans, and that she felt grateful that even when the family knew there was something not normal with her, they didnt threw her away like those babies. for her to understand this and feel this meant alot to me, how embarrassing for people who are able enough to think do not see something as clear as that, compared to this lady who's been living in the home for almost all her life.
and she herself is grateful, that part, i was embarrassed for myself for having all the chances and privileges to taste life as it is without being confined to the wheelchair, or bed-resting. now im thinking of how much fun i had in my debating sessions just today, and if they had ever felt the same kind of satisfaction to how life turned out for themselves as it did for me.

she knows her best friend's fullname, and remembers the things her friend does for her, how much she enjoys their conversations, and probably, i figured, how they understood each other in some cosmic way which i wish i had the ability to, so it wouldn't be such a task for me to follow to their conversations. my disability.

i told her i'd come back, i felt i had to, i enjoy her attention, the attention of someone who could actually be normal, just that it takes a little more effort to see inside her head rather than directly knowing what the other is thinking about when he clearly voices it out. that little bit of challenge of searching and understanding. i wouldn't have enjoyed her company if she were any other way.
saying that is like repeating son-rise's principal; acceptance. for whatever way things are, enjoying it for what it is, but hoping for improvement, because believing that having them change brings more ways for them to be happy.

i have to go back again. i need to talk to her. she brings me back to earth.

easy-peasy, not.

2011-02-14T13:22:00.000+08:00

it's not easy to remember to keep moving forward when things get bad. even just a little, that could be used as an excuse to lag.

but it isn't suppose to. don't do it.

keep moving forward, take it easy and always remember where we're going.

because for all you know, when the dark clouds finally rolls away, there's not much time, or even no more time left for you to get back on your feet and start walking again. just don't stop running, even when people keep throwing rocks at you, and especially when they get strong enough to throw boulders at you, then it's gonna take more than getting up and starting over, so just try not to fall.

God is your armour. know that.

present

2011-02-05T12:32:00.000+08:00

i can't help but have moments where the only thing i don't have is common sense. and unfortunately enough it happens too frequent and yes, i have had to face repercussions.

but why must it keep happening? these little mistakes you think you won't repeat it, yet somewhere in the near future you do something even lower on the dumb-things-to-do scale. or err, higher. that makes more sense.

the point is, you don't keep doing things when you've learned that it is not appropriate or efficient, yet you still let it happen. why so? and how would you remember to be aware of it before it happens?

i have a nudge in my brain pushing me to visualize the Autism Treatment Center blog; a post i read yonks ago by Bryn Kaufman's husband (Greg? err. no, it was something else), about being in the Present. it could be a natural thing, or it could have been the way the world brought us up, but we are constantly thinking about what's going to happen next.or what had happen before, but never, or infrequently enough about the Now.

i remember him describing that he was shaving in the morning. and being present about that. (did he cut himself? that might have been the story that brought him back to the present world from being somewhere else).

this reminds me about how i enjoyed staying in Fraser's Hills earlier this week, about soaking up into the atmosphere that was there at that exact moment. and here i am acting bimbo due to an occupied mind with things i havent yet done and things i should be doing but am not doing and the list just goes on, but without thinking about what's happening Now.

right now, although the environment is not as pleasant as where i was a few days ago, but i am home. i have my family with me, i have work to do, occupations to fill my time right now. satisfaction come when you've put in your all. let's put in our all in what we're doing NOW. :D

(totally unrelated photo. enjoy the moment!)

happy about my speech?

2011-02-01T12:07:00.000+08:00

the other day i gave a speech for an assignment. luckily the order followed the namelist, so i went last. but didn't use that to my advantage, because my speech came out totally not the way i planned it to be. the only thing that made me stick closest to what i planned were the slides.

it was on happiness, which was something i was thinking twice about talking for it's appropriateness (it's a very profound idea from the way i'd like to think), and to narrow down such a big topic required large amounts of thinking, which i procrastinated much of it, leaving me with a terrifyingly short period to prepare.

it began with lame jokes about being happy that it's the the last speech finally, and that everyone is going home for the holidays, yada2.. stupid mistake number one, i did not address pn Siti. i was already dead-er than dead at that point, without even realizing it, because she's the one giving marks.

anyway, i began with the What, which i did not care to elaborate so much about (as planned) on the basis that everybody have felt happiness before, so would know what it means. i gave examples to show happiness in the pictures i put up, and to make sure i dont forget give an example in the audience's context (which if i had not put the picture, i would have totally forgot about it), i put class pictures and explained how happy we were when we got accepted. the linking question was, do we feel the same way now?

i tried to paint the picture (i think i wasnt aware of it at that time) that what we naturally perceive happiness is the short term kind, or as Dan Gilbert puts it, Natural Happiness. i talked about problems first, how we naturally perceive that as well, but in actual fact, everybody had problems. and with that fact established, no one would be happy under our natural model.

i moved on to explain what natural happiness is, and what we should counter that with, Synthetic happiness, ironically. all it needs is Acceptance and Gratitude. mistake number two came here, when i forgot to quote the Quran ("...and GOD would swiftly reward those who are grateful").

with that in place, i asked them to share. people might not know that they could make their own happiness, so why not give out something infinite in supply to others? qouted the buddhist saying about the single candle that could light up thousands of other candles but would not diminish. then i told them How to share happiness. it is actually in everything we do (but then, i didnt think of linking it to synthesis of happiness. idiot). there was the mother theresa quote about joy of service, to remind them that work is what we live for and in what we naturally do not want to do, especially when it benefits more than ourselves. closing off, i introduced them to nasri, who showed me what ever i've just said in my speech is true.

the pleasure of doing nothing.

2011-01-31T21:53:00.000+08:00

boy i'm so fat, i think i'm forced to wear baju kurung everyday for the next few weeks to class. so what got me fatter than usual? DUH. good food.

it's only been two days and i think my skin can't stretch any further. we have breakfast, MORNING TEA, lunch, AFTERNOON TEA, dinner and SUPPER. but our stomachs proved that we can't handle supper at all, not even a bite, so we begged for them not to feed us again after dinner.

besides good food, the entire place is breathtaking. trees everywhere, and with the rain, mist and cool breeze makes you feel so relaxed, you wouldn't want to do anything but breathe. and it's not like there is anything to do anyway. nor do we want to.

our rooms are comfortable, complete with wifi and big screen tv's and astro b-yond (we don't even have that at home), we couldn't ask for more. everybody is enjoying here, litterally doing nothing. i love doing nothing. especially after completing a heavy-duty Emosi write-up, the pleasure of doing nothing intensified. it has never felt so good. i am not bored, because not doing anything is what i want to be doing. not having to worry or work my brains for anything important, just to enjoy the air that is here NOW, the trees that are here NOW, the endless drizzle NOW, the breeze, the picturesque scenery, the atmosphere, just calm nothingness, now.

i love this place because it's remote, and not many people would want to come here when there are other guests, or it'd be too crowded. privacy, and doing nothing. ooooohh...

my only problem now is losing the excess of Me after these awesome days are over. not a time to think for Now to be over, yet it's inevitable. sadly, yet true.

now where am i? in an UNDISCLOSED jungle. i'll probably reveal to you when i can get the pictures up. so that you wont come while i'm here. LOL.

pentool XD

2011-01-23T18:50:00.000+08:00

i am finally getting the hang of the pen tool. a little bit more practise should get me better at it, i've been struggling to understand how it works since ever.. now i'm even taking time off from developing (no wait, selecting first) a speech for monday. oh monday. why monday. it should never have come into existence.

but pishposh lets not waste humor on monday blues, tomorrow is centralized training day! whoppee! hopping on a train to bangi tomorrow for training with funny people, who gets my jokes, yes they do. a rare breed, that's why i shouldn't miss it. i just need to remind myself to be less sarcastic, i feel like when i hit threshold i might hurt someone, because he/she would over-understand my statement 0_0

and i think should spend a lil more time practising, the skill would definitely come in handy at times like this, so i need'nt waste time Learning how to do what i imagine to do. so when you have time, do it! remember those things you procrastinated way back when, and do it NOW!

posted friday night

bad girl!

2011-01-18T21:20:00.000+08:00

i feel guilty. i don't think i was being an up-to-par student today. i was so disruptive in class! babbled and butt-ed in whenever i thought was necessary (that is subjective, after wards i realize i didn't make good decisions on that, and this occurance repeated itself, many many times today).
the worst part is i didn't even apologize after class, when i've already acknowledge the very fact that i was interrupting the lecture too many times, and at the wrong times. i feel those occasions were inappropriate, and when i was given the chance to speak, i couldnt use that chance to the max.

this morning i was almost late (the 'almost' part made me lose a bet and had to buy someone lunch. grr) and that panic attack i complained that i was slacking too much. later in the day i wondered why i slack ever so often, when there are many chances for attempts to be good.

this probably shows that one of the last posts was not being implemented immediately. well now, i promise (myself, because you wouldn't benefit from it anyway) that i'd do it. the revise-what-i-want-thing.

goodnight and goodbye.

stop! refresh this page

2011-01-16T17:14:00.000+08:00

i am slacking on my marketing homework right now, my first defense being the UKM-JARING is not helping very much, but when it does, i slack anyways, next line of defense; MORE THAN HALF the time the internet is supposed to help, it doesn't.

sure a percentage, however small, of that is valid (it's true, but not a valid defense for slacking on homework), but this naturally-occurring ideas seem to be effortless in coming into existence, and the first thing that happens too, when the universe opens up a little space for me to slack, get off track, you know?
and it'd be too late when i'd come to snap out of it.

or do i actually wait till inspiration comes along? because breezing through all those articles didn't make me want to read them through properly. or is it just that i'm lazy to do that.

maybe i just forgot where i am going, hence cognitively unaware of what i want to be doing (is that even possible? when you forget what you want?).

okay, so let's try.. remembering why i'm doing this, where i am going, what am i doing to get there, and what i need to do NOW. and maybe we could add.. what happens if i don't do anything NOW. that should scare me, LOL.

i feel like there are two separate me-s. one that wants to slack so much i could be playing minesweeper all day all night and all day again, eat anything that smells good (but not necessarily is good) and sleep whenever i feel like it. that me wants everything that gives immediate pleasure. the other one is the opposite, though not entirely. this one actually has goals to achieve before she dies, not just before the next hour comes. she says no to most of the wants, because she thinks it's not necessary to go on. the other half goes on and on about all the good things being intangible, a total opposite of the other half. one half controls most of the time, but the other butts in frequently enough. very persistent, don't you think? constant battle takes place, who will win? depends on who is more present than the other, and other factors that help remind these halves to be around.

sigmund frued, i feel you.

car crash

2011-01-14T17:10:00.000+08:00

on the MRR2, towards batu caves from ampang. passing infront of the pink school, (now not pink anymore though, it's the smk wangsa melawati), and my old pink kidergarten. nearing the traffic light at the junction to TARC, red turns green. i turn right- we're going home. mummy's red honda gains speed, as the accelerator pedal is pressured down. the road ahead, you know, the one next to the field, before the turning to SRIP, was blocked, no lanes at all open. i think, i don't care, went ahead, pedal pushed down, everything goes in slow motion.

the orange roadblockers (you know, the ones they put to close the lane where they're fixing a road) got pushed over, and some flew atop the car, still accelerating, but now unsteady, and not being able to control the direction, i kept my foot on the pedal. the car was in the air when i figured we must've driven over a platform or something, but then it hit me- i am alone. no siblings at the back with mum, no daddy by my side.

down below there is an excavator, oh, they're digging up the road, i thought. so that's why they closed the road. they were digging, opposite the graveyard, after the junction to SRIP, the car starts dropping. down down down. oh dear, i thought now, im heading right for that digger, it's metallic parts shining in the sun. i braved the descent, i'm afraid of heights, mind you. i braved it anyhow, the way i push away the anxiety of giving a speech in a debating round. i feel that tingle, what i used to think was fear. falling down, shiny metal closing in, the front of the car smashed first, then i did too.

woke up with a depressing feeling, i concluded that i died in that dream. dizzy head upon my shoulders, i write so i should forget. now, let's talk marketing strategies, yay.

United Religions Initiative - Southeast Asia and the Pacific Region

2011-01-14T09:12:00.000+08:00

United Religions Initiative - Southeast Asia and the Pacific Region

an effort to promote peace in the world.

the oldest lady ever lived?

2011-01-13T22:21:00.001+08:00

she was an actress! how cool is that?

http://www.grg.org/JCalmentGallery.htm

bladder blabber

2011-01-06T19:45:00.000+08:00

when my bladder ran out of it's capacity to store, i was thinking how unfair it was that females have smaller bladders, and that there are not enough amenities to facilitate this natural occurance. such as more cubicles. plus the fact that there are more females utilizing a certain service or area- the health faculty comprises of 60% female students, not to mention the high percentage of female staff as well. hence, the facilities should accommodate this. even in other public areas. this should be considered.

like making bigger surau(s) too. they should really think of the heavy traffic. especially peak hours. imagine how suffocating the situation is, on a daily basis lagi. o_o

nonsense!

second semester kick off

2010-12-24T20:33:00.002+08:00

VIRTUALLY no classes this week. im hoping for the same next week. so that i could go home early. they really should've started next year instead. really. did they miss us THAT bad?

i wanted to go home this weekend. seems that there's a breakout of eye infection and i'm literally banned from coming home.

curses, i want to make the first homework this semester my best, but the stuff i need are at home. i can practically pin-point the location of those notes in my head.

i also do not have a cup to drink from, nor 3-in-1s to make in them. there are lotsa other stuff i purposefully left to get them over this weekend. alas..

enjoying the chipsmore i was suppose to share in johor, i guess i "forgot" lol good thing too, more of those cookies to make me feel better. and the thought of going out on monday. yes! no, i left their christmas gifts at home. cheese.

i could send elise's over, but arnan's? and jane's. adoi. and the rest punya. looks like i'd have to give them away to other christmassy people *frustration--need cookies*

this leadership project i'm working on is turning to be an interesting one. and even if i can't get to those notes from mr. Ravi's leadership lecture, NEVERMIND *cooookieeeeee* it's still gonna be the best.

bobbing (-pping?) to the hush sound, lotsa ppl have tire from them, don't know why i haven't. maybe i age slow? ;)

camera cable. darn, it's at HOME. itching to get those photos up, had an awesome time at royals, developed a softer spot for debating. my royals memoir is so mushy, i don't dare publish it lol.

oi! go do something productive la! (i mean YOU *points to YYOOUUU*)

fuddy amir.

ooh!

2010-11-16T21:34:00.000+08:00

yes tomorrow is Raya and i'll be off first thing in the morning. visit to a rumah bakti-like place, and most definitely that particular place depicted above. XD

tell you aaaalll about it when i get back :D

oh, im planning to skype with amalia too, let's pray i don't forget that.

i'm fine, thank you

2010-11-02T08:34:00.000+08:00

after psych yesterday i thought i'd be so excited exams are over, but i was listing down the stuff i have to do by today. it's just the same as racing to study before the exams.

i've got a gigantic pile of stuff to sort and pack, a basket of dirty laundry to wash and a report to write and submit today.

but thinking on another level of it all, at least i have important things to do rather than having nothing to do at all, and squander off my time waiting for something to fall from the sky. or doing anything i please.. ..with no aim to feel satisfied with when i've got there. as much as lazing around sounds nice, i think i'd rather stick to what i've got right now. i like doing occupations. no wonder it's so important for me to learn to help other people be able to do the kind of things i'm doing, the power of having a direction.

with not much time left, i gotta getta movin'.

wishing you an awesome journey today.

fuddy.

dear nasri

2010-11-01T22:45:00.000+08:00

dear nasri,

wondering how you are, kak fuddy just finished her exams! i'm coming home tomorrow, then would be seeing you soon! hopefully.

i need to practice my driving first, i'll practice everyday! so i could drive up to your place. it's like a whole obstacle course in itself, your place up there. XD

what have you been up to, nasri? must be even buncit-er now.. i miss you lah. i really want to see you. watch you eat.. go crazy with you! most of all. nasri come and stay with me je lah. you can have my bed. and i'll take you to the lake every afternoon.. and when i have classes you can sit next to me. or if you get bored, i'll take you to the multisensory room, it's a nice place to sleep you know.

i've finished my first semester in uni! i've got lots to tell you, about the stuff i've done, and the stuff i'm gonna do. everything. it'd be nice just to see you first. then we'll talk all day.

i've gotta go pack now, and another report needs to be done, get started first to be precise.

love you, nasri!

Love,
kak fuddy.

awk-ward

2010-10-21T20:12:00.000+08:00

an ordinary Thursday it was, the last Thursday before our first official exams in uni. today was a toss between a day wasted on forcing myself off the bed and trying to understand what was purely easy to understand, if i kept my head into the game.

i'm under a tight budget now, limiting to $2 a day. but as it is, i've been spending $6 instead. today was the day i decided to end the streak, and resort to Nasi Lemak for dinner. came down too late, it was all gone, dinner costed me 3.80 for something that i feel worth less than the nL i've been waiting for all day.

thought of checking out the iftar at the surau on my block, had to pay $3 for it, though it didn't make me feel frustrated as had the Makcik canteen down there did. the interesting part wasn't the fact that we ate from a dulang ( XD ), but the fact that they started out feeding each other before eating. that was the shocker, i wasn't really sure i was up for it. it was pretty awkward when i fed the girl next to me (in the end..). that never happened it school, never knew people do that. now i do (la).

interestingly.. awkward. awkwardly interesting. maybe i'll buka there again, at least i'd be better prepared. if i need to be?

done!

2010-10-17T01:08:00.002+08:00

the things i've done to date, from the last time you checked.

participated as a debater in my first inter-varsity (and Women's!) *in awe of senior debaters-- awesomeness to the max!*

me and co-mc Sudin

MC-ed a Raya dinner-- with minimal practise, and in MALAY (whatt??!)--made new friends in the process.
STOPPED SLEEPING IN PSYCH!! major achievement
skyped with amalia afzan twice (should be 4x by now)
raya-ed with Nasri! <3

nasri <3

scored a bunch of B's for mid-sem
oh, had my mid-sem X|
reduced fb hours to practically 3/4 less than the time i spent on it before uni. but that doesnt mean i dont play anymore la.
spent a lil more money on food than the first month (amounting to RM150 this month compared to RM100 then)
made Bangi my err 2nd campus
collected 61 merit points in phase 1! well i think that's good. ada dapat 100+ je...
ignorant of my room-mate's birthday
learned to use a sewing machine. made a pillow-case!
practised driving a manual car. still need more practise.
written at least half a dozen reports.

with amalia before boarding

discovered that KL central monorail station is NOT inside KL central terminal.
discovered that ppl seem to know me as the girl who can't sit still/the girl who's 18/the girl who asks questions/the girl who speaks to much english (err). point is, alot of people know me, and its freaking me out.
acted as a MakCik Glamour infront of 3000 ppl in a Mandarin drama, made lotsa new friends, including 2 Chinese girls from China. AWESOME!!!

things i'm currently doing;

(supposedly) studying, optimal efficiency necessary
reading The Story of Edgar Sawtelle (contradicts #1 u say? no way! i need my de-stressors, what better way to drift off to another world..)
am room-mate-less till tomorrow :/
want to see baby cousins before they erase their memory of me :'(
not wanting to stay up so late
have lotsa goals that needs to be refreshed to be re-motivated for.

currently still at the beginning.

things i will be doing;

improve study efficiency
explore bus-routes and train-routes in KL.
ace/flunk finals. please pray for me.
go to tg sepat (sepat?) for a helping-out-the-kampung-homestay program. can't wait!
family trip to *to be confirmed later*

main focus now; obviously FINALS!

do pray for me :)

brother bear

2010-09-07T14:46:00.000+08:00

6th september 2010
mum sent me to see nasri today!

its been 2 WHOLE MONTHS since i last saw him *cries* and boy has he grown. he's even buncit-er and tanned. bibik says its the sun from his frequent dips in the pool (they just got it bigger and better XD).

we didnt have a proper play date or anything, just wanted to lepas rindu. the whole day we were just together doing whatever he felt like doing.

i was surprised he remembered me as i walked in. he was watching me through the window as i came, and stood at the door when it opened, smiling at me :D was I glad to see him! usually whenever it's been a couple of weeks that we wouldn't have dates, he'd just ignore me in the first hour together and only gradually take me in after that. but this time, the longest ever i've been away, and he remembers ME!

i couldn't see any obvious difference at home (cz he hasn't got much to do anyway, poor kid) but i bet he's doing well in school-- since Cody and Popo says he won't need an aid aanymore! and i missed it, darn.
but he was happy as always, and played with my nose XD pinched it, felt the bridge of my nose and gave the occasional poke into my nostrils (ha-ha). he was curious, biar lah.
i think he's still lazy to speak X) teruk betul. well if he doesn't entirely want to (yet, hopefully) it's up to him. who says talking is the only way to communicate? there's a gajillion other ways, and talking just so happens to be the most efficient, that's why we're so dependent on it.

after buka i watched NGW about a bunch of grizzly bears in alaska. particularly at brooks falls, where each july these bears would gather for a feast of salmons swimming UPstream-- Jumping up the falls (its a low-type of waterfall) so all they had to do was wait for a salmon to jump out of the water. anyway, there were 2 families of bears, as in with a papa bear and mama bears and little baby bears. each family had their own way of acquiring salmons. one mama bear and her 3 cubs wait patiently along the edge, while the other mama bear waits patiently with her 2 cubs to steal from the other family! how naughty, she reminds of Ma Baker (ma ma ma mah..) LOl. the guy who went observing these alaskan grizzlies went because he has a 400kg-bear for a best friend (talk about anti-social) that he raised since young. Brutus the bear had been so pampered, he only learned to swim in a pool after adulthood, and has a pile of waffles for lunch. so for a bear, i should say he's disabled. so observing how wild bears do it would help Brutus' buddy teach him the Bear Necessities. Brutus is so playful, he reminds me of Nasri, a big, buncit boy without a care in the world. and cheeky, very very cheeky.

i love it that nasri is lucky to have the family he has, loving him as he is and works hard for him to be in a better position. i'm lucky myself to have stumble on that fateful holiday job of just playing with him. who knew that would inspire my life aspirations.

and on my role as his Kakak, it felt different when i realized (again) that i was trying to get him be independent. it's the role of an OT. i was doing it from day 1.

i want to be an OT, the best, damn one around. because of Nasri, and because it's the one thing i know i'll be good at (that means i'm not good at it now la XD)

complaaain aja..

2010-08-22T15:52:00.002+08:00

I paid RM2 for a buffet buka in college the other day, and let's just say, it was worth the RM2 i paid. they did a great job organizing the flow of events, but didn't really address crowd control. for example, i was particularly disheartened when the crowd could not even give total silence for respect for the Qur'anic recitation. one plus point to Adni, they had never let that happen. it was like a pasar. and the buka was open to non-muslims too, good thing, but bad impression made.

makan isn't something i should be complaining about, but let's just do it anyway. the ayam had only one mouthful worth of meat. i took 3 pcs of ayam. still tak kenyang. AND they tipu me. they said they we're gonna serve Bandung, but they didn't (of course). T_T

anyway, i had good fun going round the tables snapping shots with friends i didn't expect to see, ada la yang dah expect, but most of them i wasn't expecting la. XD go see on facebook!

static.

2010-08-19T07:22:00.000+08:00

i give bad speeches. the first speech was bad but acceptable, who doesn't do well the first time, right? excusable. but as i gave more speeches, i got better and better and.. a plateau.

i'm wondering why this happened (or is happening). and why it took me a while to hit me this is going on... why la?
i couldn't really see the root of it, but the case was that i wasn't in a Progressive Mode. i wasn't consciously being progressive, and that didn't switch on the unconscious half of my brain to do the same.
i'm not even sure if each stage is even necessary; to be conscious of the intention of wanting to improve - which would (maybe) trigger the unconscious half to allow improvement to happen, by (automatically) thinking of ways to achieving that improvement.

so that's what happened, but i've always wanted to improve, that was conscious. but why didn't it switch on the unconscious part? it's true, i don't feel that i am fully aware of the desire, it's like saying something but not really meaning it, but i really do want to want it!

KTSN 5: Me, Kee and Thila - we're the only team to have all the races. and we're not fond of the name 1Malaysia for our team, thank you.

i see my teammates performing and PROGRESSING to a higher level than when we first started out, and for many of them, their paces are so much faster than mine. what is not pushing me?! need to find this out ASAP lah. i don't wanna be left behind! besides, i enjoy debating, so what's the problem exactly?

besides not being able to realize what i want (i've ultimately resorted to labeling the whole thing as simple that), i don't think i've been able to organize work properly. and i'm always sleeping in most of the classes. hmmm...

so, need to change strategy here.

i am one who forgets everything, so writing things down (in my belove SapuraCrest notebook) comes naturally. but i think i need to be more specific in reminding myself what i need to do, and write every stupid detail down so i don't miss anything.
a little more discipline with time (especially when trying to wake up, ugh!).
erk, not procrastinate so much anymore, altho i dont do so much, but that little bit of procrastinating spoiled the whole train of stuff i was suppose to be doing. then sleep late -> lazy to wake up -> less time for doing stuff the next day & sleeping in class.

gosh, what a challenge.

the weirdest thing about this whole ranting is that i'm excited to overcome it. although am very afraid of the consequence (if i don't actually manage to overcome it in time for exams). hopefully my new set of tactics will work this time. ?:|

goodnight sweethearts!

2010-08-17T00:28:00.002+08:00

Goodnight, sweetheart
Well,it's time to go
Goodnight, sweetheart
Well, it's time to go
I hate to leave you, but I really must say
Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight

Well it's three o'clock in the mornin'
Baby, I just can't do right
Well, I hate to leave you, baby
I don't mean maybe
Because I love you so

Goodnight, sweetheart
Well, it's time to go
Goodnight, sweetheart
Well, it's time to go
I hate to leave you, but I really must say
Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight

4th week and counting

2010-08-06T02:48:00.000+08:00

coming to the end of my 4th week in uni! *sighs* those days i worried most about (initial stage when i thought i wouldn't adapt in time hence would eventually -somehow rather- lead to the fatal consequence ie total failure in all aspects of performances that i should be showing in uni. this is based on exp from college dulu. fatal gila.)

but so far (altho its a wee bit too early to confirm) im taking things quite ok. not fantastically well (i still miss morning buses-- punishment; jalan kaki = late for class) but ok.

my thing-that-u-tell-ur-lil-sister (its a malay word and just got swallowed when it was at the tip of my tongue) is no matter how many things she has to do, reading the lecture topic before the lecture works soooo well. saves time trying to re-understand after lecture and then thinking of questions, and its not like she needs to spend hours to read the entire topic, reading the summary works too :D 20 mins also sufficient. just read, it helps a lot, and dont stop doing it or else it wont become a habit.

another drastic change in myself compared to my time in college; you'd be more likely to find me in the library than anywhere else in the faculty. WOW kan? i probably only went to the TARC library between 2-5 times over the 1.5yrs i studied there. why? simple'

the atmosphere is less stressful.
the toilet dekat, surau ada, photocopy machine just there, aaaand... they taught us how to use the library. stuff we can do, how to do, everything. baru la betul2 utilising our resources :D

my idea of a comfortable study environment; i can sit any which way i want, i can ask/explain/discuss study-related materials at any level of voice which wont reach shouting la. simple necessities.
so at PDAL (perpustakaan dr. abdul latif) there is NO librarians who patrol all areas to shush students like me (i kena twice on different occasions, but both times i wasnt idle talking!).
so hear i have the freedom to make my noise and the most i'd get would be others staring at me. SO FRiGGiN WHAT LA. it's not like i'll babble all the way, baik duduk luar saja.

but of course, the troublesome part is not being able to bring all my stuff with me (no bags allowed) and since i'm so insecured of my belongings, this isn't really something i'm comfortable with. oh, i can't eat in there either. haysh..

hubungan etnik is suppose to be fun. but it isnt. anyway, i'm not about to tell you all that, because on my agenda, this is way more important to share (or discussing it would be much more interesting).

statement; govt should include teaching main languages of our country in the main education system.

problem; language is a barrier (for most cases) for interaction between races/ethnics. all know malay/english, but only very few malays know mandarin/tamil-- disadvantaged. (aka; i feel left out!) whatever importance language has in a society is the same in this case as well.

won't the kids get too stressed out/burdened with extra subjects? -NOPE.

not compulsory, but should be highly encouraged. presentation-wise should also be examined, planned and improved so that it wont be another subject they need to refer to a textbook. it's languages LA!
they would definitely understand why this is beneficial for them; they can use in their daily interactions with school friends, and will continue to foster good relations with those who are comfortable with their own mother-tongue.
parents should have a role in encouraging them to make friends with whom they can speak multi-lingually with. playdates, social events (bday parties, rumah terbuka, etc etc etc)

objective; improve and maintain good relations between ethnics/races. -end-

oh, i washed my baju today, and out of all the days of the week God could choose for it to rain, it had to be the day when i hang my laundry to dry. hmmm.

things looking forward to;

VC CUP! i'm in group KTSN 5 (debate team)
pesta convo; not really the pesta thing, just the part where i have some sort of opportunity to explain to the public about, you guessed it, OT!
pesta tanglung; somehow i managed to get myself involved in the performing portion of this pesta. the interesting part is that i'm the only malay to have actually want to participate, and passed the audition. they even warned me before hand, that if i pass the audition, i'd be the first one in history of this event to participate as a malay. hmm. going for this exposes me to what i'd be missing if i wasnt paying attention to hubungan etnik. a whole lotta fun.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan-urusan ku, ringankanlah beban ku, berkatkanlah usaha ku, sucikan lah niat ku, ikhlaskanlah hati ku, dan lindungi lah aku. please help me achieve everything in Your Name. amin.

immature rantings of a half-conscious uni student.

2010-08-04T02:20:00.000+08:00

7 days (subject to change) till Ramadhan (so fast leyy!), 3 days to VC Cup, 4 weeks (or less-- minus weekends and etc..) till MID SEM! everything goes by so fast, but does it mean I'm having fun? I am enjoying the fact that I'm always up on my toes doing something or another, and those things I'm doing? well, I put myself in those positions, so OF COURSE I'm enjoying it!

today; first field trip--main ranting :D
Trip to HKL OT depts today, 3 therapists to each dept. except paeds-- my most anticipated dept to visit, and the only one we didn't not stop by.
I kept thinking (this is not about JUST the OT dept, btw) all the way while walking from one end of the hospital to another, why should there be 1st class service and such? (especially when we passed by the Wad Diraja or some sort- and concluded no Diraja would come to a govt. hospital la, get real) 1st class treatment is for all. should be la. what has one person have over another? (money la) but does money have to determine whether people would get a 1st class quality treatment? then the purpose of going to a hospital is questionable, since the treatment received by the patient is not the quality he should be getting FOR PROPER HEALTH IMPROVEMENT. or something along those lines. kan?

sighs sighs.. things are the way they are for a reason lah. one thing or another, some situation put it like that, it would have evolved to that from something, and if not stable enough, would evolve again to something else pulak.

and thinking about nuclear weapons pulak.. how can nuclear weapons actually make the world a SAFER place? weapons and safe in the same sentence.. there is an actual truth to this you know? think about it..

i LOVE.. bones. finally can imagine read blood cell being formed there. >_<

and after 4 weeks here, super-extra reading is an essential. even if it was known that yes extra reading is good and all but i never got around to doing it or taking up the habit. so now, im forcing myself to make it a habit. waaaa..

and and.. i'm sleepy.

zzs..

short!

2010-07-26T08:17:00.000+08:00

the internet sini best, the modem is just outside my room. BUT. bila tang nak main game aje, slow pulak nak download... are they purposely doing this.... -_-"

mum says my shelf looks like a kedai runcit. dad just wonders how i'll fit the stuff i brought from home into my room. he thinks my roommate would need to move out. bukannya kecik mana pun.. and i didn't bring that many stuff over.. just lotsa food.. so i don't have to go down and eat and climb back up :D

next time i go back, i'm gonna go and see nasri.

before i go into hiatus again

2010-07-18T17:06:00.000+08:00

coming to the second week of school, with tonnes to do and so many things to pour out. complaints? got.. things to be excited about? plenty.

2 weeks ago had an orientation week in the main campus (Bangi). i suppose the point of the orientation there was just to be oriented with the fact that Bangi kids get better CCA and cooler compulsory subjects, and that the other colleges existed.
back in the KL campus, where i currently am, classes can be at 2 different venues (for OTs); at the faculty, where the buses (are supposed to) send us every half-an-hour, and the others at Bangunan Yayasan Selangor, where the buses (almost) never go to. both places are 30min (leisurely) walk from college (KTSN1) and bicycles wont help when there's a walkover to climb to cross the main road.
makan is OK, probably 50c cheaper than outside campus (yes, not helpful at all), and the water-cooler water tastes like pipe water (i know what you're thinking)-- but i have that one covered.
i have a roomate, i share the bathroom (of 4/7 working showers and 6/8 working toilets) with the whole block G, 4th floor, and.. the canteen is just down there. i'd just have to walk a little more to get to the main entrance.
my room is behind the National Library, and i can see the tops of the twin towers glowing at night.
i had been experimenting the roads with my friends (not by choice btw), and discovered how important it is to reeeaaally confirm the time and place for a certain class. it would cost a you a whole day running around in the sun, and probably getting lost, only to find out that class is cancelled, and you missed the bus home. next bus' que, NEVER-ENDING.
BUT, you get to go to chow kit, and hear the vendors singing their bargains. get cramped in a hoard of people between stalls. then have a snack at the mamak stall with your friends, and uncover the mystery of how Tosai Ghee taste like (never again..), and play frisbee with your seniors, and having them pass down their treasures to you.. Lecture Notes la.
i attempted dodgeball, and frisbee. and then was part of a Bidan Terjun Choir, and now should be doing some heavy reading for the debate team. i am darker than you remember (re-applying sunblock is not a habit yet), and i haven't lost any weight, if you're wondering. the walking hasn't got much effect yet.
i keep wanting to go home, which contradicts my previous desire of living away for a little while. and i met J. the senior that helped me get in.

last but not least, the most in fact, i am missing a certain Nasri. i am praying he's growing well.

packing

2010-06-28T19:19:00.000+08:00

gosh i'm so excited i'll be in school again. although mighty afraid of the unknown.. i've been packing, mainly focusing on the orientation week, haven't even started the one for classes right after that. bought new pair of walking shoes-- investment for the next four years :D and still wondering how i'd survive. i'll be fine i suppose.
I found a forum today, with a thread that was super helpful. seniors are telling us details of what to bring, plus letting us in on how many boring speeches there'll be, so i'm a little more prepared than i was a few hours ago.

nonetheless, leaving home is still daunting no matter how prepared i'd be.

lovely 'aftermath' of rain outside, nice cool breeze that got me to turn off the fan. i'll miss these things. but then again, i'll be coming back on weekends, so i shouldn't be sounding like i'm leaving to never return kan XD

mum has been telling me everyday how i should take care over there. makan, baju, friends, everything. but she doesn't tell me all at once. and every time she gives me these short lectures, i feel like this is it, i won't get this anymore from anyone. last shot, kakak. you're on your own.

and then there's the kids. oh don't get me started. i've been teasing katie extra over the last few days, i feel like packing her in my luggage so i can continue teasing her when i get there.

i've been praying for this for months, and finally got what i desperately wanted (also grateful for the lovely souls that prayed for me too), i plan to gradually over the next few days, learn to get out of the comfort zone i've been living in for 18 (and 1/2) years. and let go of nasri for a little while, get settled, and study. for nasri.

sentiments have to end here for a while. got to finish packing :)

in my head

2010-06-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

~funny how different people in your friends list post up different subjects on their minds at that moment. different things are important to them at that very moment. it's so funny..

ladies and gentlemen, i got in

2010-06-23T17:49:00.000+08:00

19th june 2010
checked OT Malaysia FB page to see what's new, went to discussion board and noticed a newcomer-- she said she got offered to study OT in UiTM. i quickly went to the UPU page to check.
and I GOT IT! "TAHNIAH!..."yes! alhamdulillah. nightmares of having to appeal dissolves in my head. yes yes yes.. another step closer, another big one.
rang amalia up to let her know.

20th june 2010
tok's birthday. told him, and told everyone else after that. again i feel blessed to have many who are ever supportive of what i do.

21st june 2010
made BIMB account and paid the first fees. i've got 2 ATM cards now! feel so grown up.
later that evening, printed everything out.

22nd june 2010
went for checkup-- aunty Anita was in charge. went for xray-- so cepat! wish i had asked to see how he did it. couldnt imagine it in Physics.
printed more passport photos, they look different from the original. just a little different.. no prob hopefully. i need 10 pcs. what are they gonna do with 10 pcs of my face? hmm.
ate kebab... and posted the acceptance letter. had trouble with the campus card application tho, it didn't have the KL college listed, and i wasn't assigned to any yet, so.... i left it blank.

23rd june 2010
nazim found the offer letter in the mail. thanking God i have no trouble with internet access and printing. or else i'd have one night to post it back.
fetched xray and recieved urine test results. aunty Anita said i'm not drinking enough water. :D

24th june 2010
deadline to accept offer.

guess what?

2010-06-02T12:38:00.000+08:00

I passed driving test after second try. the key was to not be too relaxed, and when you start freaking out, having total control over yourself. who am i kidding, i totally lost all control i had over myself ;p the JPJ people were nicer this time, that's why :D

new eyes

2010-05-18T14:41:00.000+08:00

I went to a 2-day course last friday (and saturday) with aunty Dena, and i found it really interesting (but that doesnt mean i was awake the entire time-- at least i TRIED!).

the therapy requires an assessment via observations to of course find out what's wrong. and then there's the therapeutic intervention. in other words, the 'client' would have to do activities (which are amazingly simple) for a couple of minutes each day and voila. of course no one can actually guarantee results straight away, but it helps to know that each activity they teach you would have a good explanation of how it would help. scientific explanation, mind you.

the instructor; Mary Robson, was really animated in her lectures and her assistant did help give some input during the lectures too.

i like it that they taught us how to see those seemingly strange behaviours that autistic(/other) people show, and instead of being annoyed or just accepting without doing anything about it (that's dangerous in its own way), Mary explained why. in the most basic terms that i understood is; they (behaviours) exist because they're the natural things the 'client' (autistics) do to protect himself and making himself as comfortable as possible in his environment.
if you have an itch on your arm, naturally you'd scratch it. if other people saw you scratch your arm, they would probably assume you have an itch, because if they had an itch, they'd scratch it too. an itch is a normal sensation-- this is if you and the 'other people' have no problems with your own neurodevelopmental systems.
in the case of someone who does have damaged systems, and can't take in sensations that may even go unnoticed for us, he would naturally do something about it to soothe himself.
simple right? but whatever he might do to help him take in that stimuli, it might not be something normal, or even socially accepted. and there is where wrong judgements are made; which would result to surrounding company (family/carers/anyone else involved) responding to him in ways that would not at all be helpful.

new eyes. i have already been accepting, and was already trying to do something about it, but now my lenses are clearer than before. i learned to know why and what are the more helpful ways to go about it. that's what i value most from this course.

Son-rise helps in a different way, more to the accepting and putting guidelines for progress. putting HANDLE (whateverr little i know) and son-rise together sounds like a great combo to me.

can't wait to try them out!

What's Autism To You?

2010-05-13T20:47:00.001+08:00

I've asked you what autism means to you. and i've tried to answer it myself by writing it down. i tried doing that twice and did not accomplish producing an answer that would satisfy myself. but this one did.

i love!

2010-04-23T19:59:00.000+08:00

I absolutely LOVE today!

I played with nasri, did some tablework with him too, and he was okay with it.
i love the way he was today.
i love the fact that i managed him better today.
i loved it when he was being cheeky, i had him sit quietly, and i get to watch him try to sit quietly.
i love the way he uses his fork, and sometimes forgets to, but that's what i'm there for.
i love the way he colours in the lines, and i can see that i'll be there again for more colouring in the lines practices ;)
i love the way he tries to say an entire sentence to me (a grammatically incorrect one, but who cares?) without anyone asking him to.
i love the way he traces his name, with a really big dot for his "i".
i love the fact that his level of challenge has gone up so much higher than the first time i played with him.
i love the fact that he tries so hard to take in everything we're trying to teach him.
i love the way he was today.
i love the way he is always.

a full day

2010-04-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

loooong day today. i'm so tired, i must tell you about it, whether you like it or not.

I went for a yoga class for the first time, it was pretty silly n_n I can't even balance properly! The only person who I actually want her to be there was Elise Lai. Jane would sure laugh at me wan-- even if she herself couldn't do it right, and Wai Yeeng would.. yea I think WY would be fun to have around too, so make it Elise Lai and Chai Wai Yeeng lah. COME TO CANDI SOO WITH ME!

anyway, straight after, mum sent me to atDena's place. Started playing with Nasri. It was a pretty silly start (silly again!). I handed him stickers to stick anywhere he liked, even on the sofa or the table, but he chose to stick them all over my face. I had huge fluorescent green spots on my face for at least half an hour. It's something to break the ice I guess, I've sort of forgotten how to start my sessions with him anyway.

We ate smarties and froot loops, played blocks (I managed to do something different than usual :DD) and ate some more.. I have to say his cutlery skills are getting better *I play no part in this, btw*. we played tickles from the blanket monster (with an option for kisses from the blanket monster too) and he had several times manage to escape me to play in the shower. he loves playing in the shower these days.. hmm.

I got tired, and so did he i suppose, in the afternoon. so i just let him roam around the house by himself, and play with him when he's around me. Nasri's awesome at trying so hard to speak. and today he worked on spontaneously asking me what he wanted. so that is my greatest achievement today :)

went for a driving lesson afterwards. pakcik came late, as usual..... but i had a good class today. first time round today was a bit off, i havent got the hang of it yet, after a whole week away from a manual car (as is every week..) but later tonight it went well. I'm a pro parker n_n and a 3-point-turner and not so pro bukit driver :|

I reached home half an hour ago (its 1030pm now) and I'm hungry (my sister ate my pie). a peanutbutter and jam sandwich should do the trick ;)

looking forward for another awesome day with Nasri tomorrow!

peanutbutter in my tummy

2010-04-19T13:50:00.001+08:00

i was meant to write of what i did on saturday, and to be honest, i've totally forgotten.

new challenge; find scholarship/loan before I pass any of their dateline. what's so hard about finding one?

many of them REQUIRE SPM; and does not accept "equivalents". hence PTPTN is out of the picture.
most company scholarships require me apply for a specific course of their choice. OT (or any of my other choices) is in NONE of their lists.

Sime Darby had allowed physiotherapy, but I've just missed their dateline.

But I found one company that allows any course of choice, and applications are still open. HOPEFULLY this one is the one.

"On no soul does GOD place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) 'Our LORD! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; Our LORD! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us; Our LORD! Lay not on us a burden greater than we can bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. YOU are our Protector; help us against those who stand against Faith.'" (2:286) -translation by Abdullah Yusuf Ali

new mission

2010-04-17T08:26:00.002+08:00

remember the brick wall i discovered a few weeks back? well i dedicating all the time i have to breaking it.
i think there's already a little crack in it. but there needs to be more than little cracks. anyone got a jackhammer?

slumber

2010-04-17T08:08:00.002+08:00

there are a lot of things to do, and i know how important they are, but i dont feel it.

i know what i'm gonna do today! (Phineas' tone)

well of course i'm not going to tell you, you don't have to know, but at the end of today, if whatever i've just thought of doing works, or fails, i'll tell you about it. so maybe u could attempt it at a better state of mind or something :)

at work today

2010-04-06T00:37:00.003+08:00

while waiting for my little friends to arrive in the morning today, i met with one of the other students by the front before the elevator, (she's probably 11 by the way), and to get to the elevator, she had to climb up a couple of steps, no biggy right? well here's the catch, she's visually impaired.

she had a helper with her, but she didn't get any help at all. her helper just stood there, at the top of the steps, waiting for her. I kept watching, and after long moments, I see her slowly pick her foot up, real slowly. one after another, with her stick in her hand, and eventually reaching the top.

I felt fascinated at the fact that this girl has the motivation to move on, even if it seems like its taking her forever to get there. and yes, i totally agree with the helper giving minimal help, only when necessary. but to see the effect with my own eyes was awesome.

i love these kids, they inspire me. at such young ages, they've already taught themselves to keep going, pushing boundaries that aren't even suppose to be there.

work!

2010-04-01T20:11:00.002+08:00

1st April 10

I've been working at The Learning Connection in Mont Kiara this week, just to fill in for the teacher's helper in Nasri's class. Nasri's autistic, by the way, so this school is a special school for children on the autism spectrum.

Nasri has 5 classmates, the youngest being 7 and the eldest 10 (I think so?) and there's only one girl. They're all non-verbal, so communication is one of the main focus in class each day. They have speech therapy and occupational therapy sessions each day (half an hour each) and have music, some tablework and breaks in between. These help them learn to be more attentive, and develop some social skills (like eye-contact, and understanding physical space with others) while doing stuff they enjoy doing (well, they do look like they enjoy being in class :] )

My job is to help their teacher get them to stay in their seats (sounds easy doesn't it? NO!) and assist them completing their assigned task, like getting their lunch out or getting them in line to go to the loo. I do a lot of prompting them (there shouldn't b too much prompting for each kid) to start and finish their task, while their teacher gives out the instructions or handling other students.

Each child has different autistic traits, some more prominent than others, and each day they bring to class different behaviours, some typical 8- or 9-year-old kid behaviours, and others totally out of the ordinary. They could have crying fits (but no tantrums, so far *smiles*) or laughing fits (its contagious) or they could just look like they're drifting off into their Wonderland. It's funny, they can really be funny, and challenging, for me to know how to approach them. Their teacher has been a great help at showing me these things too. Like having reinforcements (a.k.a. rewards), time-outs, or just simply having them do something to distract them from unwanted behaviours. Like if one kid has a habit of playing with his saliva, his teacher had him hold a ball in his hand, just holding it, and he didn't play with spit the whole of yesterday.

I would have bad days and good days, bad ones when I just couldn't manage to get them to do stuff properly or stop doing things they're not suppose to. The teacher says bad days are the ones that make you think of new ways of approach, it shows you which areas need different ways of managing and then the next day you experiment. And it sure feels great when you're idea works :D

I love working there, everything we do there makes perfect sense. And it's already my 4th day! 3 more days left till the real teacher's helper (not to say I'm fake :D *lame*) comes back. :(

And since tomorrow's Autism Awareness Day, I'm going to wear BLUE to work! Are you?

muffin

2010-03-27T20:10:00.002+08:00

I had a good day today. Under Mummy's supervision, I cleaned and vacuumed and sorted out items (supplements/books mainly) that were at least 5 years old. I found a planner dated 1988/89, magazines circa those times too, and made good friends with the vacuum cleaner. I arranged and stacked boxes and actually saw, for the first time in a long long time since we moved here, the floor. And a large portion of it too.

I feel especially happy about this. Now I feel especially happy, because I have my reward to enjoy.

tester

2010-03-25T19:23:00.002+08:00

experimenting

2010-03-20T11:26:00.001+08:00

click the picture and you'll go to a different page, right? not the enlarged image. betul ke?

brick wall

2010-03-14T00:43:00.000+08:00

the son-rise program is alot about acceptance and love. i read a post by a son-rise facilitator, who on the day she wrote the post, was having her birthday.

she had a conversation with a friend, and said her birthday wasnt such a big deal. at this i thought we think so much a like already. and she wrote her friend's response to this; "Don't you ever say that it's not a big deal! Your birthday is the day you were born and that's a very BIG DEAL!!!"

and then she went on to explain what that knock in the head did to her, how she now celebrates that fact, the fact that she's alive and had manage to challenge herself in life and helped others in the process, everything she's done right, they deserve a celebration.

in my head there went an internal conflict. it made my chest feel tight. i realized that i am facing a brick wall. if i want to love and accept other people and help them, i have to do this to myself first. i see nasri crossing a river in a boat, alone; not with me (i've been listening to Moon River continuously lately), and felt that uneasiness, like i've missed a train to somewhere i really wanted to go to.

i cant do that, appreciate myself. there is nothing to appreciate. every little good i've done will be soon countered with something stupid that i'll do, intentionally or not, it doesn't matter. it has always been like that. the first few times i realized this was happening, i thought it'd wear off, well it hasn't. and the degree of trouble i've been getting myself into had been escalating to something i thought (not long ago) was beneath me. so you see, there is no point in celebrating myself for helping or being whatever good worth you had seen me be before, because that doesnt matter anymore after i do something wrong. even if it wasnt done for the purpose of anything wrong.

but i feel the need to fight it, nasri's waiting for me. he's the only reason i feel i have to climb the wall, or break it down..

i cant break it, it feels impossible. my position (in reality) is nowhere near a jackhammer or a drill for my to break this wall. solid brick wall..

what are you talking about? nothing

2010-03-13T00:07:00.000+08:00

I admit, I might never be able to write as well as Iman or Munirah (I absolutely love their latest pieces), and I'm not expecting myself to come up with something even close to comparison with their heartfelt writings. But nope, just to warn you, the following contents will not be anything ponder-able.

I am currently under no pressure of having to complete homeworks and studying for tests. No more lecturers breathing down my neck, for now. So I've decided to do some things to fill my time in between working with Nasri and going to the gym with my Mummy.

Learn to be a left-hander. Because I'd like to be smarter, and I need to be, the smarts I have (what little bit of it) is not enough for me to survive. Some past experiences has convinced me so.
Complete ONE crossword puzzle without looking at the answers/use a crossword solver. So I wouldn't feel so un-smart. HAHAHA.
of course la, READ! so many books to read, so little feel-like-reading moods. sighs.
Get my driver's license. L is coming out soon.. so Id be behind the wheels pretty soon! (but of a kancil. not of my mum's honda city--)
write more. talk more. I find that my proper social and communicative skills have drastically deteriorated to where it was from previously, as in before I stopped seeing large groups of people whom I must speak proper english to-- to adults, mostly. and after finishing up a complaint letter for my daddy, I realized I needed more practice now that I'm out of school, Im losing my touch, whatever touch that maybe.

Oh this is just a reminder to what I should be doing in my free time, which
I have so much wasted by being online. :D goodbye.

its gone

2010-03-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

I was already happily thinking of what to write about today, until I remembered something else that was out of this world.. and the fact that I don't have it anymore took the fun out of today.
It's no-one's fault, it just has to happen.

being concise

2010-02-25T16:00:00.000+08:00

I passed the computer test today :) Thanks to last minute studying (please do not try this at home/study place)
Will be going to Tanjung Malim this weekend, but I don't think we're visiting the chicken farm, our other family isn't going to be there this weekend.

Yik Mun The Famous Tg. Malim Pau

Still no news from the UPU thingy. Anxiety can kill.
I'll be a teacher's aide in Nasri's school next month, just for 7 days :D and I'm getting paid! yeah...

adik-adik from the other family

I'm thinking of going to this particular conference in April, but the other participants are on a whole other tier than I am (I'm at this lower rung, several rungs below to be exact), I'm worried I'd be a social outcast there :S tapi nak pegi...

*sigh*

I Miss Amalia Afzan.

The Assassin's Song.

2010-02-15T03:27:00.000+08:00

I've just finished reading The Assassin's Song (by MG Vassanji) and went straight into Lipstick Jihad (Azadeh Moaveni). I'm on a reading spree... I've got a long list of books to read-- books that are already in my possession by the way, and that list is the one barricading me from getting more books -_-.

Usually a good book would get me thinking about something, and The Assassin's Song did-- naturally it should when the story revolves around the successor of the shrine of a Sufi. I did come up with some questions, a series of questions I think which answers are subjective, but still there exist the one true answer. Just as when we talk about God.

Although I think the book meant for a different set of questions than what I came up with. Because the story was maybe only 20-30% composed of the stuff that touched my questions. I did think of though, whatever stuff that were more in the lines of the story. Like how could a Sufi not prescribe solat to his followers, and let themselves be worshipped? Only God deserves (and Is meant) to be worshipped, prayed to and the likes. Or maybe I might have confused prayers with asking for help... okay okay I'll think about this later.*

Back to the point.

My question; Is our soul a totally separate entity altogether? --separate from our Human form, I mean.
and the subsequent questions;

How important is it for us to care for this human form? as in not in health, but in wealth and worldly successes. We seem so into getting it all. But ultimately isn't the eternal Hereafter that we're suppose to be concentrating on?
But Islam, as a way of life (I think religion comes under way of life), encompasses rules which emphasise such great importance on caring for our worldly lives, as much as there are in the guidelines for keeping the soul nourished, but WHY? Again, ultimately it is Heaven/Hell that matters, because that's permanent.

Yes, I understand that to attain the much dreamed of life in Heaven, I'd have to be good in this world. Yes, I'd be good to people, and not let my nafsu lose so easily, but why will in Heaven (if ever I get there) I will enjoy human luxuries? And in Hell (God forbid) I will face punishments that will overwhelm my sensory neurones with pain? Isn't that human rewards/punishments?
How about my soul? What kind of punishment will my soul get? After all, That is the puppeteer.. Isn't it?

I begin to see, as I ask these questions, that I based them on my belief that my human form is just a casing, just my puppet for me to move about to act for my soul. But along with that casing, it has it's own set of applications/software--Nafsu. Which I am most probably confused with what I believe is my Soul.

my human brother. in his casing. enjoying his youth-- just to be clear.

My body is just a casing, that's why I put no importance to this God-given physique-- (ok maybe not entirely no importance, just to the extent of looking presentable), and this world? where I live my life? Is it just a box full of toys to distract me? Are academics and my future working life some of the toys too? or are they the good toys, like the educational ones that parents wouldn't mind their kids play all day..

Only God would have been able to bring such systems into existence. And a mere human mind (or soul?) trying to figure this out? Should she continue thinking about it? Or just focus on living now, to live there. It might not even be that important, and wouldn't interfere much with our purpose. Purpose..

Owh God.

*The Assassin's Song is a work of fiction and does NOT mostly contain facts. The stuff I said about the Sufi was just in reference with the story (which characters may have been inspired by real figures) and just got me thinking IF there were so-called Sufis like that.

a week of bliss-- how do i get there?

2010-02-12T15:00:00.000+08:00

I've got an offer! As a teacher's aid in Nasri's school near Solaris in Mont Kiara. I just need to find out how I could get there before 8 and get home in the afternoon. SUGGESTIONS!

Well obviously I can't drive there, because I don't have a car to drive ~~(and because I still can't drive)~~ so I was thinking of taking a cab.. I don't think my dad would let me. But it's worth asking, right?
plan B; BUS? the nearest bus stop I noticed is such a walk away from the place.. but I could use a good walk pun, kan?
plan C; I don't KNOW! I'm just so overly excited that my brain's short-circuited so quickly I've only stopped at plan B.

It's just for a week anyway, I should manage it, I have to take this offer, it's such a shame if I didn't!

Lady Luck's smiling down on me.. While she hasn't been very nice to me on most days.

Dear Amalia,

2010-02-11T14:41:00.001+08:00

*this post is much delayed, I wrote it halfway, but had to fly off somewhere and never got around to re-doing it. well, here it is, I'm terribly sorry, Amalia.*

Dear Amalia Afzan,

Happy 17th birthday. As much as I had hoped, at least it wasn't all that bad, right? There are 360 more days in your 17th year to live and celebrate, my dear. Wanna throw a party? Count me in okay!

I don't think birthday wishes are the right things to say now, since I'm too late for that. And if I wasn't, what good would that do? :D

Amalia,

I hope for the best for you in everything, all the time. You don't need much luck, you're already awesome on your own. LOOK AT YOU! If you can manage college with all those emo and wierd and funny and "duh" and God-knows-what stuff you do there, I think you're already painting a pretty colourful life. So don't bother about that one day not being as colourful. Surely you've got even greater days coming for you.

I wish you more happy times, more love (you've got a fair share from me already ;] ) and more time to study XD kidding. I mean you to have a great life ahead, and I'm sure you'll need some help at one point, even when you're already Amalia the Superwoman, be sure to remember your best-friend has got your back. All the time.

I may not be the best at making you feel great, but I hope I did manage to. At least some small percentage?

Amalia,

Nobody could ever EVER forget you okay? You're always That Girl, owh you know, Amalia, yang selalu lompat-lompat tu? Always has something funny to say, some crazy idea, something that would make you smile just thinking about it.

Amalia,

Happy birthday!

Yours Truly,

Fatimah Amir.

today!

2010-02-09T20:29:00.001+08:00

9th Feb 09

Today I found out my communication skills have deteriorated to an even alarmingly unacceptable level. I couldn't even talk to Elise with proper English and and my grammar was all over the place and and I couldn't find the right words to use and.. it was pretty embarrassing. There I was, babbling away like an idiot. And Jane was there to remind me nobody was paying attention -_- hahah. Something to laugh about! I think..

It was nice to see good friends again, and while it's only been a little while ago we saw each other everyday.
I hope this time it wouldn't be like, I'll be wishing you on your birthday for the next couple of years, and then I'll disappear, like some of my older-- acquaintances. It's too bad that happened. And at that time I thought we'd be in touch all the time. Aside from my ever faithful best-friend, I think only a handful of them actually gave those occasional calls of 'hi, how are you'-s. Seeing that, those calls mean even more to me :)

UKM called this morning to ask about my missing SPM results. Maybe they didn't actually look through what I sent them. I've even separated each set of certs and and forms with paperclips. At least I know my certs are in the right hands now, and on time too :D

Mr. UKM-person: "SPM awak takda sini ye?"
Yours truly: "Yes, I don't have it. I took O-levels instead (well its actually something else but O-levels je lah). My certs are all there. The UPU person said I could just fill in whatever in the online thing because you are going to go through my real certs anyway, right?"
Mr. UKM-person: "so BM macam mana?"
Yours truly: "I did take a BM exam, my results are all there."
Mr. UKM-person: "Awak ambik A-levels?"
YT: "yes, cert semua ada dah situ."
Mr. UKM-person: "Oh. Okay then."

I've had to repeat this countless times, but if its going to get me in school again.. July can't come any quicker, can it?

Today was a good day. I'm glad. I met Mr. Siva! It was like seeing Ust. Nijam again. That's the best way to describe how I felt. And he spoke to ME! Me.. I might as well have asked for his autograph or something.

Yes, it was a good day, alhamdulillah.

p/s; Arnan, I don't mind it that you didn't remember to bring the Stuff with you. I'm just kidding, fine, recycle it for next year, I'm OOKAAY with it lah. hahah. I'm not virtualistic!

(almost) no more waiting.

2010-02-03T11:46:00.000+08:00

UPU thing ends tomorrow. I just need a id number from BSN and I'm good to go. At the end of this (well, at least I'm closer to the end of it), I see it really is true that when God closes one door, He'd open another somewhere else, somewhere totally unexpected.

If I didn't browse around facebook (yeah!), I wouldn't have stumbled upon an OT group which happened to be where a few UKM students (and lecturers?) join in discussions, and one of whom offered me some help to get in. Got in contact with Datin Ruhani, and then.. she said the two magic words; *am not gonna tell you!*

So later today I'll register on UPU and then wait for them to tell me lah.

Now I have to wait for the last time. YES! No more stressing over these things. And now I have something to say when people ask me "Where are you going to do?".

Thanks for your prayers! --doesn't mean you can stop just yet ;)

Delirious,
Fuds Amir.

18 and 21

2010-02-01T23:34:00.002+08:00

Today I am officially 18 years and 21 days old. Looking back to the past 21 days, I haven't really gotten used to being 18. What do I mean? Being a whole year older lah.

18 is supposedly such a big-deal of and age. Like your sweet 16, only now you're legal. Well, at 21 you'd be totally legal la-- you still can't vote at 18. But I haven't seen any big changes yet, unless having an adult bank account counts as something huge. I still haven't got a driving license yet. HAHA! fine, laugh all you want! no big deal, I wouldn't have a car to drive anyway.. *think happy thoughts..*
Point is, being 18 just means I'm a year older than being 17 now. And, I thought I should be a lil more independent. As much as my position allows at least.

So what amount of independence was I hoping for? realistically I mean, it's not like I can move out right now. I can't even get myself to the nearest bus stop.
What I'm trying to get myself do are some really basic things that I had to still depend on, mostly, my mum. So don't laugh and say "that's being independent?!"

wake up early enough, BY MYSELF-- no other person having to wake me.
always know what to do and needs to be done wherever I am-- not having to wait for instructions, unless necessary.
be stronger in fighting procrastination! by remembering that I'm older, I should act like I'm older, no room for bad habits.

Most of the time, saying is way more easier than actually doing. And when it comes to ME, that basically sums up why I keep slacking back. So if you love me, SLAP ME!

And then I'll blanja you timtams :D

"smart" people make things complicated-- i don't like "smart" people.

2010-01-28T23:32:00.000+08:00

Why must the kementerian people make it SO SUSAH for Non-SPM students to bloody apply to IPTAs?

Can't they just state there SPM/O-Levels? and make things SO much more easier for me. I'm already frustrated enough that things for me has taken this terrible turn. Ya Tuhan..

Isn't there a proper system to help students out after they leave school? For students whose parents too does not know how to go about things like this? Maklumlah, anak sulung. If there is, well, it's not readily available. Nobody says ANYTHING!

When I ask different people, they each gave me TOTALLY different answers. Yes, you can apply, they have a special form for you. Oh, yes of course, you have to do it online, you know, UPU? *flashback of how lost I was when the term UPU was first mentioned in a conversation I so happen was included-- at camp with SPM students* NO, warganegara WAJIB ada SPM. UHUH. Geez..

Owh Darn it. Now I don't even know what category I'm in.

ya Allah,

please calm me down and make things easier for me. Open my eyes to see and open my ears to listen. I only wish for the best for me, even so if I do not like it in whatever way You give it to me..

And ya Allah,
please bring my daddy home safely.

amin.

Allah-u-Akbar, God is Great.

2010-01-26T23:10:00.000+08:00

I personally feel that ALLAH is just a word, it's meaning is subjective to whoever that is using it. I use ALLAH to refer to MY Tuhan, that I worship. It's the same as Tuhan la, only difference, ALLAH is an arabic word.

The excuse of having other parties than the Muslims use ALLAH will confuse Muslim youths is terribly weak AND discriminating AND offensive. I didn't think that it would actually happen in reality, making an excuse that would make you seem even weaker on your ground?
It is as if the People who gave this excuse;

Do not trust Muslim parents/guardians/teachers responsible in guiding and teaching their young to know who their God really is. It's just the same as telling them; The Christians have a different God than we do, son. --I used God. something wrong there? Please tell me.
think Muslims have ownership over the Word. Any so called Muslim term is just Arabic, which is not ONLY used by Muslims. So? Arabic is not even the daily language in this country and yet they (those who make such a fuss over this) make it seem that Arabic is only for Muslims. I'm sorry, I just can't agree with that. It's as if Muslims can use other people's languages, but they can't use Arabic? Sharing is caring, my friend.
Might think that ALLAH will be commonly used by every other religion in the country. It's not like the entire Christian community is going to start using ALLAH. It's only in the Malay section of a periodical. And besides, no cases (unless it wasn't reported and quoted) of anyone getting confused due to THIS (now made) issue after how many hundreds of years of Malay-speaking Christians using ALLAH.
Do not notice that even Arabic speaking nations (like Egypt) don't get confused.

There are more arguments that I have, from other angles that I've managed to look at it from, but these are my strongest thoughts.

This is only what an amateur thinker could come up with. So far, I believe this are true and that it's better for the disagreeing Muslims to think it thoroughly through. And if there were better arguments, logical and fair (not like 'risking confusion among the younger generation'), then let there be the place and time to voice them out, and debate and conclude upon a solid decision that would reflect some tolerance that a diverse nation should possess.

I do not, at all, have the intention of disrespecting my God, ALLAH, by not 'defending'. Let's have that cleared.

By letting other faiths using ALLAH, I don't see that affecting us Muslims being blocked from their duties, as Muslims. I can still pray to HIM, I can still do things in HIS name, I can still carry out whatever responsibilities that I have. So?

Plus, when I go and join those fun singing sessions with my Christian friends, wouldn't it be much easier for me? When they use ALLAH in their hymns and I sing with them, only to know in my heart I am referring to the God I believe in? And at the same time, I am making good relations with people of other faiths, isn't that what Islam too encourages? Plus it's Malaysia! Harmony between races AND religion.

It is more a personal issue then. What do you think?

2009 favourites part 3

2010-01-25T01:28:00.002+08:00

The best year-end holiday I've had so far;

at the chicken farm;

heli ride & da Vinci exhibition;

and hence, my 2009 went well. Alhamdulillah I lived through it the way I did, and it couldn't have been any better.

of blue aliens and the destruction of the twin towers

2010-01-23T23:21:00.001+08:00

WHAT? *reading on.. giggles.. UH-OH reaction..think.. think.. think..*
my reaction when I first read an article Arnan posted up. I read some other articles too, from different websites, just to be sure.. yeap, they all said the same thing.

I was quite surprised to find that someone who had once ruled (well, at least I think he did) our country would come up with the set of statements he did.

When he was talking about the Jews being such a big problem, I didn't think much of it yet. The Israeli-Palestinian Issue has been going on for such a long time, and crude remarks like that I've often heard. Although I didn't think it was very nice to openly condemn an entire nation like that, in public, for literally the whole world to hear you say it like that when you are an established public figure.
There were several remarks that I didn't think appopriate for him to have made in that manner. He was talking about other NATIONS, not just one person.. And as an ex-premier, that would bring a lot of trouble for our nation X_X Plus with the incredible speed at which news travel these days, all across the globe, everyone would know about this in no time. I'd feel embarrassed, like how a group of Inconsiderate people, who made it seem most like that they were Muslims, had attack the churches the other day. In this (Dr. M's absurd statement) case, I would be embarrassed at the fact that this man had managed to rule my country for such a long time. It only reflects how Malaysians think, because after all, the people voted, and hence are the ones who chose to be led by this man that said some very unkind things about other people so openly, people that we already have established good relations with (the Arabs and Americans).

And when I got to the Avatar part, I didn't know whether to feel amused, or some other kind of feeling that isn't in the positive category. what a killer, it made his whole statement seem totally not worth listening to till the end (I'm sorry, but I really think so!). I'm glad he enjoyed the movie that much to compare it to a real-life event, well at least not real-life to him.
I don't understand why he made such comments. So many arguments can be raised unless he has very very very valid reasons and proofs based on some amount of research he or someone else on his behalf would have took the trouble to perform, but which he did not mention any of the sort. So? Why bother SAYING something so tak masuk akal,when you know you will be scrutinized by the entire world?

I, as a Muslim (at the most I can be), and a Malaysian, I don't agree with making such statements. Even though he seems to be supporting the Palestinians in the Plight, but I'd leave it at that. Who knows, whatever "evidence" he referred to to make these remarks (historical facts about the British authority over Palestinian land and whatever else he might have chose to quote) might actually be true, but I don't agree with announcing his belief in the "Conspiracy" he might've imagined by himself.

And what is his point saying all these things exactly?! I'm still totally lost there.

oh well, maybe he's getting too old, and yet doesn't want to be forgotten by the public.

2009 favourites part 2

2010-01-21T21:47:00.000+08:00

I was back to fooling around, to a lesser degree this time ;) did some stuff I've never thought I'd ever do. Like...

go to prom

represent Muslims to speak about Islam, in front of a GROUP of people (thanks to Arnan for inviting and Elise for being there, her presence was much needed by the girl who babbled up there)

and

play in a basketball team. *and winning it too!*

My friends took me out a lot. Of all the years I've lived, 09 was the year I went out with my friends the most :D even if it's just to JJ or the Gerai Melayu Gate Belakang, it's still considered as Going Out okay?

my first ever Big Mac XDD

Sin May's pepper and chilli sauce.

Thurkah's @ Melawati :D we sort of studied there too hahah. operative term being "sort of"

some pasta I had at my first trip to TGI Fridays

a bunch of crazy kids = sprite + ketchup + pepper

on most trips, I don't pay X)

The Guys took me out to a lot of new places, just behind the college. I didn't think that many places to eat existed there. There was Prisya's Curry House la, and Warong Pak Li la, and the infamous Steven's Corner. their favourite. hahah.

There were lotsa movie trips too. I thank Elise for driving me around all the time and sending me back home :D I still have to take you out for lunch, as instructed by my mum..

naaaasss-reeeee

2010-01-20T19:35:00.001+08:00

I left my pink and purple report book on the shelf in the playroom. yes, Nasri does distract me very well.

So today’s report would be online, and will be copied back in the report book. as soon as I get my hands on it, tomorrow.

For those of you who’s still wondering what I do, here’s a typical sample of it.

20th Jan 2010 - 1hr 15min

I’m unsure of his mood now, since him laughing by himself doesn’t necessarily mean he’s happy, or does it? I’ll leave it to “content”
Really didn’t want to go into the playroom. I tried what Popo and Cody does in school; ask calmly and wait as long as it takes for him to take my message in. “minimal prompting” -Popo. — Had to wait quite a while, but he was pretty lazy to get up anyway. Maybe i sounded too serious? Paula says only be crazy inside the Room.
So he finally goes in, and plays with the ball. Bounced and rolled on it. But wouldn’t stretch his arms out to touch the floor even when I’m holding him.
Tucked himself a few times, bibik said he didn’t sleep much, didn’t even go to school today. Sang “the Itsy Bitsy Spider”, cz he had the toy that made itsy-bitsy-spider-song-sounds. Didn’t respond unless I prompt him, so he did a lil bit of the hand gestures. But Eye-contact was excellent.
Read the Poppy Cat book, that got him interested. Read slowly, he turned the pages and touched the pictures when asked. He was VERY attentive, interactive span; 3-5min when reading the book. But he wanted to take control after that. I requested (calmly and coolly!) to sit down and read slowly. We did that a couple of times until he got bored.
He circled the room for something else to do, pushed away all my suggestions (Poppy Cat, other books, Hulk toy, Magna-doodle..) and settled with a sticker book—TROUBLE BEGINS HERE.
He didn’t want to stick the sticker at the right spot, and I told him that and he got mad and started (a fake sorta) crying. I took the book and pointed where he should’ve stuck it. and he got even madder and snatched the book from me, than i snatched it back (i shouldn’t have? MAYBE) and put in on the shelf. he climbed up to get it, i took it away and sat down, gave him the sticker and pointed where he should stick it. He sat down next to me and, well, stuck at the right spot— TROUBLE ENDS HERE.
We did all the pictures of each alphabet, and a few letters, he POINTED to HIS CHOICE of sticker, peeled it off himself and I helped him find the right place to stick it. Occasionally lost focus and circles the room before coming back to his seat. Am not sure if he came back because of me calling him back or just by himself.
Had his sound-making-phone toy throughout.
eye-contact was awesome, very frequent glances of 3-5secs, and he watched me (when he’s interested) do the itsy-bitsy spider.
frequent physical affection
although didn’t speak that much, occasional grunts but mostly still needs prompting.
I didn’t have any 3Es at all. Too not exciting? maybe this type of attitude is not son-rise, just for in school. *finish watching the videos to be sure*
forgot to take photo! grr.

*find out new way of giving boundaries, Challenging and recognising green lights

-END OF REPORT-

2009 favourites part 1

2010-01-18T20:42:00.003+08:00

reading arnan's and iman's and a few others' blogs got me in the mood for flashbacks, and sharing them here. writing them down seem to be a tad bit too annoying, because i'm always in a loss for words. maybe this way is better for me to recap on how 09 went for me.

The first big thing of every year is my birthday. I don't think much of it, but having friends in college acknowledge it made me feel grown up :D

surprise-doughnut-and-candles-in-canteen party

And soon after was CNY. This one was the first that I had celebrated with MY friends instead of my dad's.

at Yvonne's place

And then there was college. Normal classes went on, counting down the days until our AS came...

supposedly paying attention in DK.

Mr. Siva. I've always thought he's 120 years old. Of course he's not, just a lil younger than that..

The struggle to catch his words and putting them down on paper went on for me till the end.

Ms. Chong was always easier to approach.

AS came and gone, and we had to bear in mind that That was no where near the end of anything. I grew more comfortable in school. Enjoyed most of my days there. Started to feel brave enough to ask, and speak up, and well, fool around.

Elise and Janejane. My glow-in-the-dark lolly stick is green :D

my Lau She. In everything-- everyone looks for her to compare homework :D

You can say (and see) that I had most fun last year in college, well I spent most my time there. But on Tuesday and Friday afternoons, I go berserk with...

Nasri.

And when AS results came out, I didn't think I'd make it, and I barely did anyway. Managed to join my friends to have my picture pasted on some poster my juniors are gonna see XD

again, barely anyway!

Everyone said GP was no biggy, so don't fret over it, but I can't stand getting a D for something, even GP, in a big exam. I still am gonna pay my dad back his 170 bucks for GP. It's SO not what a D is worth..

(to be continued..)

So much to say

2010-01-15T15:27:00.001+08:00

so little time! it's a wonder how so many things can happen in a week. where do i even start?

hahah at the very beginning la.

9th Jan, Naseer's birthday. Wished him. I went to the Star edu fair, in hopes of finding a place for a good course. Or the UiTM/UKM booth to ask more about their OT program. But of course, i got nothing of that sort. None of the public uni(s) set up a booth. grr.. nevertheless, aisyah did get something out of it, she plans to do medicine, of course it's easy to find out more on how to go about it.. I went with 2 friends and aisyah of course. so not going alone was the fun part of it. i really hope they all enjoyed it though, despite the fact that none of us (other than my sister) got anything out of it. the burger king must've been the highlight i guess, owh and like arnan, we did stop by the food institute booths for free samples. how typical is that, the highlights of the day, all having to do with food :D
and Arnan! oh gosh. i had to leave! i couldn't wait til 3, because.. i had to go. :( there goes my gift, all the way back to seremban.....
nevermind. next year i'm gonna get 2! right2? or is he just gonna recycle...... hahah i'll just have to wait and see!

no lah the fact that arnan got me something was nice enough (that doesnt mean he doesnt have to give it to me anymore ;] )

and then..

10th Jan, i turned 18! no big deal really, but i was excited to see my FB wall FULL by the end of the day. i don't knw which to feel, happy at the fact that everyone remembered (or so i thought..) or just.. not that happy at how the day went.
naseer wished me, all the way! hahah.
we had breakfast with aunty mahani and unc Mail (not mail, it's MA-EL), they gave me a compact powder. sign from God, i've got to start making myself look presentable already. x_x
lunch at some pizza place, atmosphere wasn't very good. lotsa tension in the air o_o i felt awkward, padahal it was only us 6.
and then finally, supposedly highlight, kak Amy's engagement at unc nasir's condo. yes, condo.. was not fun.
if you ask me, that was not supposed to be the day 10th Jan should've fallen on.
i hope iman had a better 10th Jan than i did.

I (finally) started playing with nasri again, on wednesday. i read up on some stuff and watched a few videos before i left home, just to get myself in the mood. and it totally worked! i had my 3 E's all the way. having nasri already in a good mood helped alot, even when he wanted to watch Elmo rather than play with me (ok, i know elmo's cuter, but he has him on CD ok? he's only got me for a couple of hours...). i had all E-levels up, and managed to pull through for 1.5hours. a major breakthrough, for someone who hasn't been crazy for this long while. awesome eye-contact, max interaction spans, nasri was just incredible.

and just yesterday, i followed him over to school, the one that he likes so much, and i had a blast. although i notice the aura of the place is like a proper school, aunty dena says it's to try to calm the kids down, you know, make sure they're used to being calm and cool in public places. sooo different from the way i'm supposed to be with nasri. i met rorey and cody and popo, nasri's teachers, and they've been very helpful in showing me how i can be around nasri other than the crazy self i am right now. i see the logic in their ways, and nasri seems to be very comfortable with that too. i guess it's worth a shot, i'll try that when we're outside the playroom. i could try some simple massages on nasri i saw popo do on him during OT, and the way they approach him.. it's not crazy! hahah. nasri likes them, so i think i could give it a try myself.

yes. so far that has been my fruitful week. in the next weeks, i'm looking forward to start driving lessons, and get my HPV booster shot, getting my results (o_o must find the letter with the password, soon) aaaand. finally getting the form to apply to UiTM/UKM-- tho i think UiTM is more likely :D

in trouble yet again

2010-01-01T02:41:00.003+08:00

funny how I don't regularly write new posts on this blog, even when I know I've got lots to say to you. The trouble is that I think of blog-worthy items at the wrong times. In the car, at dinner.. well it's just too bad.

I am having trouble right now, as always.. I haven't found a solid desire to what I will choose to study. I really want to study, I miss sitting in a classroom, kacau people like Jane, listening to The Wise One up front there, bestowing some precious knowledge I am supposedly destined to receive.

Initial plan, goal, dream.. Autism. To help, in whatever way possible (within the limits of the Health sector) autistic people of any age to improve their lives, in the way they see them (their lives), and how they want others to see them. Sounds too technical, doesn't it? I've always thought that if I'm unable to express what I want clearly, it's obviously still not clear even to myself. This is my crude attempt la.

But another bad thing is, I am very, Very easily provoked. Just tell me something profound, and I am again re-evaluating my goals. All the time, and then change my mind, trying to "improvise" to fit what I've just heard into the picture. I can't keep doing that, or else I'll never sit on anything, with enough sureness that THAT is what I want.

So would someone please tell me what to do? It has to be as satisfying as seeing Nasri say I Love You Kakak. *melt*

jalan balai polis

2009-12-27T21:31:00.002+08:00

a tourist in our own city. that's the best way to describe me. i live 5 minutes away from the national zoo all my life, and have been there for a total of 2 times.

dad's on a self-proposed holiday these few days so he's been taking us out every single day. x_x haven't been getting enough rest though, but when else will i get to go out with him like this-- getting all the attention from him for once.

he took us to Petaling Street today, to find Nazim a Lion. you know, the lion dance kind of lion, that's his current hobby, one of his current hobbies. he likes football and cars and is a lego-freak like any other boy, but his fascination for lion dances still puzzles everyone to why.. ..

and he got one in the end, a smaller one of course than the ones you see during CNY. He could flick Ryan's ears (that's what the lion's called now, Ryan the II to be exact) and flap Ryan's mouth open too. Not being able to blink Ryan's eyes is just a minor setback, considering the fact that Daddy took us all the way there just to look for it, and we found one.

Petaling Street reminds me of Masjid India, where I also made my first visit just recently. Creepy sales guys, crammed walkways, tourists everywhere.. the prices weren't cheap either, for a bunch of fake goods la.. there was nothing for me to look out for either. probably handbags.. but i'm satisfied with my Red benetton. it doesnt look much anymore, but it's something i'd cry my heart out if i ever lose it. or find out it's completely un-usable (i dare not say destroyed or turn to shreds..).

But i like the old shop houses on the street, it reminded me of why i wanted to be an architect. A restoring architect to be exact. the built makes me feel cosy, knowing they hold some memory of their own, only not to be able to tell me so. or something like that. :) too bad people (ehem2 govt) doesnt see much value in taking care of these kind of buildings. at least keep it clean, for God's sake.

Oh well, I can't always get what i want anyway. Kan?

Going to the Da Vinci exhibit tomorrow in PSN! need to do a little research on that guy. did you know he was thought to be autistic? i love that fact *imagining Nasri with a long white beard*

durian

2009-12-15T21:17:00.000+08:00

had "the Discussion" with my daddy. He's not letting me go to Australia or anywhere AWAY from the country. he's not even keen on letting me go if the campus of whatever institution I finally end up in is in sabah/sarawak.

its okay. its okay..

there were lotsa things he told me about, some were familiar set of sentences, others were reminders and the rest were all unplugging the clog of my shallow thoughts.
he said his main goal for me is to be a good muslim. my academic upbringing is secondary. although at times it could still be his number one, but you can understand that if you know who my daddy is. his upbringing is different from mine, and he hopes to keep it that way.
i can understand that, can't i?
success-- he said God loves everyone equally. wait. he meant that everyone has equal opportunities to be loved by Him. at the end of the day, those with the most taqwa succeeds in gaining His pleasure. and worldly-wise? we are given the same degree of wealth. other people has got lotsa money, but knowing how their lives function, you still wouldn't want to be placed in their shoes, would you? Qana'ah. i've been lacking that, everytime i pray to God for a new house/car/to go to melbourne.

but i'm glad. grateful.. to know my daddy loves me very much. not to let me go just yet. the way he reasoned, i just understand. it's okay.. and my mummy to understand how i feel about it too, and to know she's always praying for me to be okay out there. always having Someone watching. it's very.. safe. to know these things after you compare this with.. other "examples" of kids let loose.

i am okay. a bit uncomfortable with having to scout for a local U, i am very sorry, but i am rationally alright with my daddy's decision. emotionally throwing a tantrum, but i'm still sane at the moment.

than God for Ayah Mad's 6 packs-- of durian. to cheer me up of course.

i didnt, but i will ;)

2009-12-14T16:46:00.001+08:00

i didnt achieve my goals entirely..

imran only got up to half of doa Qunut
i got home even MORE undisciplined (still working on it..)
tata's room was only half cleaned up-- if you only look at the parts i was suppose to clean up la ;)
hannah didnt finish the surah she was memorising, and i made her cry..

hahah. they were only half achieved. better than nothing? yes, but not good enough. next set of goals;

katie to reach surah as-shams
abang finish juz 30
have all unused items in boxes, stacked NICELY to the wall
have done some contribution to the uncluttering of dad's stuff
pro at nasi goreng
improve my expression in creativity, of speech, writing/drawing, any other forms possible.
nasri to learn something totally NEW from me.

should be achievable within these next few weeks of NOT GOING TO COLLEGE ANYMORE! :D

alamak izzat

2009-12-12T19:36:00.000+08:00

kuantan was fun :D of course it was, how could it not be.

BUT missed izzat's bbq. argh. but it's not fun going when everyone else is going kan. so i'll go when it's only me, adek and abang. then we'll have izzat and adam aaall to ourselves. wahahhahaaa. kena la miss izzat, bcs his birthday's on the 6th, on the day nanny turns-- a year older too :D

and then go to Mama's reban, and feed chickens and ducks, it'll be like real-life Farmville >_< ahahaha, with all the budakbudak. cant wait.

gah.

2009-12-06T16:54:00.000+08:00

i am undisciplined. and irresponsible. its Almost a week now and i'm getting worse at being 'new and improved' like i intended to be by the end of this 2-week party.

gah.

problem; not having any awareness of what's going on each day and always wanting, YEARNING to go online. aaand. eating too much. not knowing what to do. terlalulalu Malas. oh Tuhaan.

solution; try again. remember my goals! repeat it. in my head, OUT LOUD. get it done.

i hope i'll do as i say.

goals; imran to hafal doa qunut & lancar ayat lazim, nazim to start 'Abasa, katie to finish al-Bayyinah and finish iqra 3, hannah to read well. me to get a hold of everything.

i really hope this work. second round!

who's afraid of the..

2009-12-01T00:08:00.003+08:00

whosoever among you who would LIVE in a bookstore, here, you would want to even more. RM8 on most of the titles! books are in awesome condition (aka looks the same if you had gone to Kino/MPH/etc, and not second hand) and they sell john grishams and and i don know, but i know that the books are those that you'd get from the normal book stores, which, if you're one that wishes an MPH for a living room, would know that the average price of a novel that you'd ordinarily pick up would fall in the range of RM32-37.90, and are quite new titles. even the dictionaries are 08/09 versions, you know those gigantic ones, at RM30 je. who wouldnt?

if you pay RM8 for a normal novel instead, you are given the privilege of buying at least 3 MORE BOOKS! trust me. i made a list of books i want, and everytime i step foot into a bookstore (mainly MPH jusco and bookxcess), i'd add a couple or so to it.. getting longer over time.

and i think there were a total of around 25-30 books on my list by the time i visited BBW. that day, packed with people, the staff gave out boxes to the customers, knowing they'd go crazy i suppose. i found 7 books on my list! pretty impressive huh? the second time i went and found a couple more from my list. they were ALL RM8. like, c'mon! i'd be stupid not to get them. but i didnt, not because im an idiot (i'm not denying it though) but dad didnt give enough money (>_<)

they've got fiction, non, religious, manga (but not a very large selection unfotunately, selling off at RM5 each), kiddy kid books (they have a whole other room for it!) and an efficient pay-out system (tonnes of people, but you dont hafta que up that long to pay). it's at the old cinemas btw. next to my fav bookstore.. :D (bookxcess, cheap books, but BBW are even cheaper!)

so dont miss it. please. i mean, if you're all the way in canada, or even seremban, then, maybe something better's coming for you. but if you could afford driving down to amcorp (i'm there quite frequently), or you could just take the train, indulge yourself here.

geez! thanks, now i'm angry.

2009-11-28T20:23:00.002+08:00

i was angry. am still a little perhaps, but that's not it. the thing is, i discovered something. read on la.

anger. getting angry is better than being sad. when i'm angry, it feels that it can only be temporary. the hatred towards the situation. the resistance, motivating something of a counter attack. ie, initiating action towards a consequence that i want. say sorry, or fix it, buy me a drink, and say you'll never do it again. then we're back on track. --well unless it's something that requires more than you buying me a drink.

sadness. that feeling of loss. as in losing in a battle, and putting up a white flag. giving in.. because i know, i can't do anything about it. and the only thing left was to beg the Higher Power to do something about it. who ever that maybe, depending on your story. ...and pray that it happens your way in the end. the point is, i would have given up, on the hope that i can fix it, or the hope that someone else will surely help me. and the hope that i'll get my way in the end. so there's no hope. no motivation. no action. just.. emotionally submitted to the ill-fated reality. great.

this is not me, though we share the same genes

but now, after saying all that, i feel like this is just one kind of sadness compared to one kind of anger. what the other kinds are there.. how are they different, yet the same by definition.. can someone please tell me.

got in

2009-11-19T18:04:00.001+08:00

next step; get dad to let me go. or something better than that? we'll see how things go. PRAY FOR ME. please. i need them. see how far they've got me?

facebook at long last

2009-11-18T15:21:00.000+08:00

logged in to facebook, scared to see what has been going on on my wall.. went to accept all the requests firsts; teacher Revina's 50+ farmville gifts.. okay.. and then.. clicked on profile, i saw..

my wall full of posts from arnan. terrible fella laah!

scroll down and see...

wai yeeng and jane and (one post from) elise. as i would have expected la.. terrrible!! they all really did spammed my wall. and it was a really stupid move for me to go and tell arnan about it. i didnt think arnan would do that to me either. TERRRUKKK!!

now.. i trying to catch up with all the games i've missed out on. jane and wai yeeng are on level 20+ and i'm only at level 6. still there. NOT FOR LONG!!! hahahahahahaaa...

i think im gonna go fb crazy..

dont worry, i'll try to control myself.. i am Composed.

I HOPE LAHHH

gtg fb-ing now!

SEE YOU THERE AHAHAHAHHA

amalia's shoes

2009-11-17T21:53:00.000+08:00

Your work deserves to be known. MAKE SOME MORE!

Warning

2009-11-13T18:39:00.000+08:00

I am green. In the wrong way.

Reminder; you can't have everything you want. Just because someone else is that way, always having their way, doesn't mean you must have it their way either.

Caution: you will forget everything that you ALREADY have, right under your nose, and will just might lose it, in the event of wanting something else so badly.

So stop being stupid. Work your way to it. Fight those coaxing voices. God protect me.

decay constant.

2009-11-09T17:41:00.003+08:00

"looks like today's weather is.. rainy. downpour expected everywhere in Fudsville. stand-by folks. flash flood warning announcements might be made soon, so stay tuned to Fuds.fm.."

the probability of a nucleus decaying, per unit time.

the probability of a unit of optimism, per unit time.

I told Elise today, I was decaying inside for not logging onto facebook for so long. It was meant as a joke really, but somehow rather, I really feel like I'm decaying. Don't be a Silly Billy, it's NOT about Facebook.

It's about.. just.. tired of being optimistic about things that I'm doing not well enough. This.. tiredness. Some sort of exhaustion of all my look-on-the-bright-side juice. They're so depleted, there's no point anymore in seeing things like that..

at least it's not all Ds. but they're not As! there's nothing to be happy about that. EVERYONE ELSE does so well. they have the same 24hrs as i do. Nothing different! but no. Nevermind lah, Cs are okay what? NOT! You can't make people think what you think you know. Face it.

If they're not A's. You're not good enough.

I have NO A's!

*scream*

hmm.

BUT! I'm an intelligent optimist. Delirious 98% of the time i spend with you, about absolutely nothing.

Now, I just need to polish my rose-coloured glasses.

"looks like the clouds are clearing. cool breezes and a sunny all day today. now for the 6o'clock news updates..."

wellcome images award

2009-11-06T09:40:00.002+08:00

http://www.popsci.com/science/gallery/2009-10/best-medical-images-2009

peanutbutter!

be my witness?

Push! My Resolution This Year

the right occupation

varsity

sweettooth

wishlist!

metaphor

happy birthday!

rough week

sophomore! (first quarter)

it is never that easy

bird's eye-view

moved in!

touched by

the Home Project

expensive

if..

a new brick wall

lemonade is not my thing

things to do

a real exam paper

when you say Tawakkal.

Jalan Genting Kelang

disorganized thoughts and self criticism

what Ar-Razi said

i like where i am. so "*obscene expression*"

go back. please..

easy-peasy, not.

present

happy about my speech?

the pleasure of doing nothing.

pentool XD

bad girl!

stop! refresh this page

car crash

United Religions Initiative - Southeast Asia and the Pacific Region

the oldest lady ever lived?

bladder blabber

second semester kick off

ooh!

i'm fine, thank you

dear nasri

awk-ward

done!

brother bear

complaaain aja..

static.

goodnight sweethearts!

4th week and counting

immature rantings of a half-conscious uni student.

short!

before i go into hiatus again

packing

in my head

ladies and gentlemen, i got in

guess what?

new eyes

What's Autism To You?

i love!

a full day

peanutbutter in my tummy

new mission

slumber

at work today

work!

muffin

tester

experimenting

brick wall

what are you talking about? nothing

its gone

being concise

The Assassin's Song.

a week of bliss-- how do i get there?

Dear Amalia,

today!

(almost) no more waiting.

18 and 21

"smart" people make things complicated-- i don't like "smart" people.

i like where i am. so "obscene expression"